Monday, 19th April 2021

Six things to not understand about Bitcoin

WANT to know how Bitcoin and cryptocurrency work? Life’s too short for that, so follow our quick guide to really not getting it instead:

Isn’t just invisible, make-believe money?

Yes, but according to so-called Bitcoin experts, all money is an invisible construct based on an assumption of value. Which isn’t true because you can buy a pastie with it, and makes you want to drop a sock full of pound coins on a Bitcoin expert’s foot ‘to see if it feels real.’

If someone just made it up, why can’t I do the same?

You can. In fact, you hereby invent Davecoin! You’re a Davecoin millionnaire, just by saying it’s real. Unfortunately what you now need is everyone else to believe it, and you’re not an elusive techie masterminding the future of the world from your bedroom, you’re a credit control supervisor from Hull.

What the f**k is Bitcoin mining? And Blockchain?

You keep hearing about Bitcoin mining, but how can you dig it out of the earth if it is not real? Is that why it’s called Bitcoin – because it comes out in bits? And what’s Blockchain – a chain of blocks? Like when you get a good run on Tetris?

Why can’t you buy anything with it?

If Bitcoin is the best thing since sliced bread, why can’t you buy sliced bread with it? You know however that it is fantastic for drugs, firearms and weapons-grade plutonium, which will be helpful if you ever move to South London.

What are these pictures of Bitcoins I see in the media? 

They are pictures created by the media to illustrate the concept of Bitcoin that only serve to confuse the issue further. See above.

Is it a giant con everyone will lose their shirts on, or the future of money?

That’s the million-dollar question. Or, the 28.55 bitcoin question, according to current valuations.