Scientists discover homeopaths also make shitty, weak tea

TEA made by homeopaths does not actually contain any active tea ingredients, a study has shown.

Researchers at the World Health Organisation followed two homeopaths around for a day to observe their tea-making habits. Out of respect to the homeopaths no methodology was applied.

Paula Martin, a homeopath, said: “What many people don’t realise is that heavily diluted tea is actually much more potent than ‘mainstream’ tea.

“What I do is, I make a normal cup of tea, then I dilute it by a factor of a hundred, then dilute that solution by a factor of 100 again. I actually can do that up to six times, if someone wants a really strong brew.

“I can’t dilute it any more than that. You’d be awake for days.”

Fellow homeopath, Wayne Hayes, said: “It helps if you bang a leather book on the side of the kettle, to help the water remember what’s been in it.

“Did you know that water has a memory?”

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No such thing as an unsackable minister, says politician oblivious to irony

THE prime minister has been praised for her obliviousness to irony after claiming there is ‘no such thing as an unsackable minister’.

Theresa May, following an election campaign which reached maximum levels of irony, yesterday announced that no minister can consider themselves secure in their job while completely failing to get it.

Nathan Muir, from Worcester, said: “She can’t continually be making statements like that with no recognition of how perfectly they apply to herself. This is better than ‘strong and stable’. I’m starting to think it’s deliberate.

“If she’s just playing this straight the whole time then she is the greatest ironist of all time; the ‘magic money tree’, ‘unifying Britain’, sheer genius.

“But actually it’s deliciously ironic that she’s making us think that, because she’s really just thick as mince.”

May said: “The British people have told me that they want me to get on with the job. That’s what they said. I don’t understand why you’re smirking.”