Superman Suit Will Enable Wearer To See Women's Undies

SCIENTISTS could one day develop a 'Superman' suit that will give the wearer x-ray vision, allowing him to look at women's underwear through their clothes.

Research, published in the International Journal of Physics, suggests that emerging technologies could pave the way for a new generation of fully-functioning superhero costumes.

Not only will humans be able to scale walls, but a Spiderman costume will allow them to catch their enemies in a huge net and deliver them safely to the police.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of Dundee University, said: "The owner of the Superman suit could walk through a crowd totally looking at all the women's bras and panties and no-one would know.

"He'd also be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound which means he can look at all the women's undies on one side of the building on the way up, and then look at all the other women's undies on the other side of the building on the way down."

He added: "The suit will also allow him to travel at the speed of light which means he could steal dozens of pairs of undies from the same neighbourhood, give them a right good sniff and have them back in the laundry before anyone even knows they're gone."

According to Brubaker, the owner of a Batman costume would possess the superhuman ability to host fabulous Oscar Night parties and have a great eye for interiors.

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Jam, The Fuel Of Tomorrow, Say Lib Dems

THE Liberal Democrats have unveiled radical plans to reduce Britain's carbon emissions, including a new generation of cars that unleash the remarkable power of jam.

The party, popular with academics and mental patients, has declared war on petrol and vowed to hunt down and destroy the last drop of the world's favourite fuel by 2020.

Environment spokesman Chris Huhne said: "People say to me, 'oh no Chris, how are we going to get to work if you've killed all the petrol?' Fear not, I tell them, for I have harnessed the power of jam!"

Describing unleaded petrol as the "Khmer Rouge of high octane distillates" Huhne insisted the world's future energy demands could be met by boiling up a lot of soft fruit.

Huhne said the party had bought a 1998 Citroen Saxo which it hoped to convert to blackcurrant jam. "Blackcurrant is the easiest to work with, until we can find a way to stabilise raspberries," said Huhne.

"This is just the first step. I've been drawing sketches of huge triple-decker buses with on-board cinemas and swimming pools that run on low fat Nutella. And what about a jetpack filled with lemon curd?"

He added: "The only possible drawback we can envisage is an uncontrollable plague of gigantic killer wasps."