Swearing at 12-year-olds online and other cool gamer behaviours that women love

WOMEN can’t get enough of guys that sit on videogames all day ignoring them. They get especially hot when they see an alpha male doing this stuff: 

Talking like a military wanker

Intently muttering ‘Rush B’ and ‘flank the warthog’ into a headset like you’re commanding a pathetic pretend military operation really demonstrates to potential partners that you’re a charismatic leader. Why bother with French when barked jargon is the true language of love?

Bathing in the light of a monitor

Nothing says cool, calm, and confident like hours spent illuminated by nothing but a screen. With multicoloured lights and the glare of at least one monitor – real men have three – you might as well be on the cover of Men’s Fitness. Add in the glazed eyes that say ‘League of Legends losing streak’ and you’re irresistible.

Lovingly cleaning the motherboard

Your girlfriend will watch in wonder as you direct delicacy and tenderness towards the Nvidia GeForce RTX 3090 that you’ve never displayed towards her. As you wax lyrical about the power of your graphics card, she’ll be awed at finding a man who knows what is really important in life.

Swearing at American kids

Cursing out other players showcases your raw masculine energy and irresistible competitive spirit. Calling a 12-year-old from Ohio a ‘f**king useless clown’ for not hitting the right button at the right time makes you exactly the kind of outspoken, unapologetic man women love.

Aggressive typing

Move over Barry White. Nothing says romance like the clack-clack-clack of a man on a frenzied mission to explain to everyone else in the game exactly why it was their fault that raid was such a disaster. This self-righteous mechanical-keyboard music will leave ladies weak at the knees, swooning at just how correct you are.

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'Call that a party?'

by Boris Johnson, member for Uxbridge and South Ruislip and prime minister

AN idiot would look at ITV’s photos and leap to the conclusion that a large group of people drinking alcohol constitutes a party. That would be foolish and wrong: 

It’s too tame to be a party

Features of any party worth its salt: chaps grabbing any passing filly’s arse, revellers passed out in pools of vomit, Gove zipping in and out of the loo and racist jokes aplenty. None of that here. I’m not even doing my elephant impression with my trouser pockets turned inside out.

It’s clearly a typical working day

What office doesn’t have a drink to celebrate a new spreadsheet? And doesn’t have a few dozen bottles of wine around, or glasses of champagne? Especially during lockdown? How anyone can look at those photos and see anything except a mundane slice of office life is beyond me.

There aren’t any presents

A leaving do has presents. There are none there. You might argue it’s just four snaps in one room so that proves f**k all. I disagree. Even when Matt Hancock got the boot there was enough of a whip-round for a Dairy Box and novelty socks.

It could be a meeting

I’m pretty sure I’m saying something like ‘Here’s to our brilliant Covid response’ and the blurry guys are responding ‘Yes, you showed superb leadership, Boris’ and ‘Let’s get back to working hard after this well-earned five-minute break to have a refreshing glass of non-alcoholic lemon squash.’

Carrie isn’t tearing a strip off me

The wife’s not great when she’s had a few. Normally she goes ballistic and starts calling me a ‘fat bag of egotistical shit’ and worse. She’s not in the photo with her arm outstretched and the contents of a glass of chablis about to hit my face, so it isn’t a party.

Because I say so

Frankly I’m sick of this shit. I’ve paid one fine and that should be the end of it but no, everyone keeps coming back with new accusations. The only people who matter are my voting base of grunting trogs who don’t care about anything except Brexit and immigrants. So piss off.