Synthetic DNA 'could create Brexiter who is not a bellend'

SCIENTISTS have created synthetic DNA that could lead to new life forms, including a Brexit supporter who is not an infuriating git.

The Institute for Studies said the development had profound implications for normal people who want to go to the pub or use Facebook without becoming simultaneously angry and bored.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “By fusing together some tiny bits of weird stuff you can create something that, while believing in Brexit, does actually listen to other points of view and accepts that the process of withdrawal from the European Union will not be ridiculously straightforward.

“The creature will not froth at the mouth or use terms like ‘Bremoaner’ or ‘snowflake’. And it may even have a sense of humour.”

He added: “It will also look like an octopus had sex with a giraffe.”

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Scotland and Wales can f**k off though, court rules

THE Supreme Court has confirmed that the UK’s regional parliaments and assemblies can fuck off. 

Amid anger at the Brexit ruling, campaigners are delighted that the devolved Scottish parliament and Northern Irish and Welsh assemblies have been exposed as the impotent lie they always were. 

Norman Steele of Reading said: “It was fun at first watching them act like their silly regional things were important and having debates and stuff, but come on. 

“We can’t be listening to them and their farcical accents when we’re dealing with serious stuff. Who do we consult next? The Cornish? 

“Also they can’t have a say on matters of national pride because we beat it out of them in all the wars we won.” 

Supreme Court justice Mary Fisher said: “Like any legislation which removes rights of citizenship, Brexit must go through parliament to be legal. 

“But proper parliament, not these toy ones. Get real.”