A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.
Try not to have a panic attack when you hear words
We understand it’s frightening when words are noises and not letters. It may sound like they’ve escaped from your phone and are flying around in the air, but they can’t hurt you, like a wasp. Well, words can hurt you, but let’s focus on making a simple f**king phone call to UCAS for now.
Try not to get bored
Yes, it’s incredibly boring listening to someone saying words on their own without a TikTok video. Do your best to pay attention, but if you can’t, don’t feel bad. It’s the other person’s fault for not being a ‘cake personality test’ or an eight-second video of Dua Lipa with the caption ‘She’s hot!’ or something equally perceptive.
You can’t use emojis
Sadly, vibrating air molecules do not support emojis. If you feel you must include an emoji, say to the other person: ‘Imagine a sad, round, yellow cartoon face with two massive tears coming out of its eyes. That is my emotions now I am having to go to London Metropolitan University.’
Remember the person is not inside the phone
Words coming out of your phone is baffling, but if you unscrew it you won’t find an adorable little person inside. Or a ‘smol’ person, as you would say in Gen Z slang, unaware that it will soon all be as painfully dated as saying ’Dig the dolly with the classy chassis, Daddy-O’.
Don’t say all your words at once
Don’t gabble ‘IneedaplaceatuniIgotaDinEnglishI’mLucycanInotgotoHull…’ for five solid minutes before ending the call. The aim is to pass on information in digestible chunks, listen to the other person, then respond in a logical way. Actually there’s no way your social media-addled attention span can cope with this. Get your mum to do it.
Be aware you don’t get likes
The person you are speaking to will not be tapping a button to register their approval of the conversation. If you have a pleasant chat they may quite like you as a person in the literal sense, but we appreciate this is a poor substitute for a counter that spuriously rates you according to the fleeting whims of random morons.
Practise on your parents
Before you make the actual call to UCAS, practise by placing a large sheet of cardboard between you and your parents to simulate them being disembodied voices and talk to them. If you can’t think of what to say, try: ‘Sure enough, I have once again only deigned to talk to you when I need something. So while we’re practising my UCAS phone call, can I have a lift to Katie’s and some money?’
