The idiotic things you're Googling compared to the important things you should be Googling

YOUR life is full of pressing, unanswered questions and the answers are at your fingertips. But instead you’re typing ‘do goats eat tin cans’ into Google: 

Can I create my own independent nation state?

You could collate all the reports of Downing Street parties to make sure your outrage is fully informed, or you could Google whether you could build and declare sovereignty over a small raft you have made out of discarded plastic and two pallets that you could paddle to the Mediterranean in the summer. No? You just haven’t Googled it hard enough.

Is it ‘you’ve got another thing coming’ or ‘you’ve got another think coming’?

Better not to consider big questions like whether humanity will survive long enough for you to get the value out of your pension. Instead dive into minutiae that’s lurking unanswered at the back of your mind, like ‘why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?’ and ‘why do you never see baby pigeons?’

Can we undo Brexit?

Googling is often the preserve of forlorn optimists, so it doesn’t hurt to try. But you already know the answer is  a flat ‘no’, pretty much the same as when you Google, ‘will I ever own a castle?’ or ’are people who move to Dubai actually happy?’

How can I pay no tax?

Having unwisely typed this in, you cannot escape the lurking sensation that HMRC is monitoring internet traffic for this precise purpose. Better hit delete quickly and search on something innocuous, like porn.

What shall I have for dinner?

In desperate need of meaningful human contact? Don’t build real human connections. An automated search engine is a lot more straightforward than the loving embrace of a partner. The internet cannot see into your fridge, it doesn’t care, and it doesn’t know. The answer is another bowl of Coco Pops.

When will something fun happen?

There’s no fun in switching bank accounts to earn 0.02 per cent interest instead of 0.01 per cent interest. What’s coming up that will break the monotony? Can you get out of work by catching Omicron twice? Failing that, when’s Pancake Day?

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The shit bands that are staying on Spotify to absolutely clean up

NEIL Young has triggered an exodus of talented musicians with integrity from Spotify, leaving these talentless twats to rake in a fortune: 


So desperate to be heard they snuck an album onto your iPhone without permission, it’s not like their immaculate morals will take a hit by staying on Spotify. It’s the lesser of two evils in comparison, and if they left streaming they might just arrive in your bedroom at 3am playing One.

Red Hot Chili Peppers

So long as there are still sheltered sixth formers who want to be identified with sex and drugs, there will be an audience for Red Hot Chili Peppers. Only a 17-year-old would listen to the conquest described in Apache Rose Peacock voluntarily. This steady audience and their many hundreds of millions should make the Chilis retire, but they never will.

Dave Matthews Band

A band that everyone supposedly hates that still sells out packed venues.  Having performed with Neil Young multiple times, they can now expect his fans to turn to them as a Stork-for-butter substitute. And with millions of new listeners streaming their back catalogue, they stand to make 12p.

Bob Dylan

If you’re looking to fill that Neil Young hole with an artist who was good in the 60s, sporadically good in the 70s and wilfully unlistenable thereafter, Bob’s waiting for you. He’s got whole albums of shit you’ve never heard and whole live albums of shit you have heard but would never recognise. You’ll barely know Neil’s gone.


Spotify still has millions of songs to listen to. The choice is paralyzing. But if you get into 70s prog rock each track, let alone their gatefold concept albums, drags on for so long that you’ll never have to worry about all the others. Hot new bands could have hit songs, hit albums, tour and split and you’ll still be listening to The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway. 

Harry and Meghan

Not currently a band but give it time. When their podcast fails to interest the world expect the Sussexes to release a barrage of albums in an attempt to see what sticks. All tracks will be written, performed and produced by Meghan, but if he’s lucky Harry will occasionally be allowed to click ‘publish’.