YOUR life is full of pressing, unanswered questions and the answers are at your fingertips. But instead you’re typing ‘do goats eat tin cans’ into Google:
Can I create my own independent nation state?
You could collate all the reports of Downing Street parties to make sure your outrage is fully informed, or you could Google whether you could build and declare sovereignty over a small raft you have made out of discarded plastic and two pallets that you could paddle to the Mediterranean in the summer. No? You just haven’t Googled it hard enough.
Is it ‘you’ve got another thing coming’ or ‘you’ve got another think coming’?
Better not to consider big questions like whether humanity will survive long enough for you to get the value out of your pension. Instead dive into minutiae that’s lurking unanswered at the back of your mind, like ‘why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?’ and ‘why do you never see baby pigeons?’
Can we undo Brexit?
Googling is often the preserve of forlorn optimists, so it doesn’t hurt to try. But you already know the answer is a flat ‘no’, pretty much the same as when you Google, ‘will I ever own a castle?’ or ’are people who move to Dubai actually happy?’
How can I pay no tax?
Having unwisely typed this in, you cannot escape the lurking sensation that HMRC is monitoring internet traffic for this precise purpose. Better hit delete quickly and search on something innocuous, like porn.
What shall I have for dinner?
In desperate need of meaningful human contact? Don’t build real human connections. An automated search engine is a lot more straightforward than the loving embrace of a partner. The internet cannot see into your fridge, it doesn’t care, and it doesn’t know. The answer is another bowl of Coco Pops.
When will something fun happen?
There’s no fun in switching bank accounts to earn 0.02 per cent interest instead of 0.01 per cent interest. What’s coming up that will break the monotony? Can you get out of work by catching Omicron twice? Failing that, when’s Pancake Day?