The moron's guide to choosing the right comments section

ARE you desperate to share your witless opinions and tired jokes underneath newspaper articles? Here’s how to find the comments section that’s right for you.

Are you incredibly angry?

Want to post venomous comments about migrants, harmless Game of Thrones actresses or just life in general? Go to the snake pit that is the Daily Mail. The comments pop up too quickly to discuss anything properly, but you’ll have vented your fury in a kind of online drive-by shooting.  

Are you quite pretentious?

The Guardian is ideal for you. All of the following are acceptable: overused Orwell quotes; making completely obvious political points; informing an uncaring world that the authentic French saucisson you buy online is well worth the extra cost.

Do you consider yourself hilarious but are not?

Shit puns like ‘Can fishermen blame it on the hand of cod?’ will amuse others like yourself, ie. twats. Once again, the Guardian is fertile ground, but try the Times as well. Anyone who howls with mirth at Quentin Letts probably has a crucial part of their brain missing. 

Are you a stereotypical miserable old git?

If you can’t sleep for worrying about ‘snowflakes’ and woke twerps, head for the BBC News comments. Here you’ll find plenty of likeminded oldies who think it’s perfectly normal to hate all young people because they’ve never stormed a beach or strangled an SS man.  

Do you despise correct spelling and coherent sentences?

Quite a few choices here. The Mail and Sun are good, with endless horrors such as ‘Are country is bong ruined by “pee-cee”!! Churchill would of the war’. But don’t overlook local newspapers, which are full of intriguingly garbled comments, eg. ‘Covids – no word of Markus Rashforth???’

Are you just f**king mental?

Luckily there’s a website for people totally unconnected to reality: The Daily Telegraph. You’ll get upvoted for saying ‘The EU empire is finally destroyed like Carthage!’, although someone may criticise you for being a bleeding heart liberal who has never actually advocated nuking Brussels.

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Laurence Fox fails audition to play himself in pandemic drama

LAURENCE Fox has been rejected for the role of Laurence Fox in an upcoming Sky drama about the coronavirus.

With Sir Kenneth Branagh starring as Boris Johnson, Fox had hoped the drama might re-establish his acting career, but the makers felt his auditions “lacked nuance” and that he was “a Covid-denying bellend”.

Producer Tom Logan said: “As a courtesy, we invited Mr Fox in to audition for the part of Mr Fox. 

“However, he is a massive dick. All that stupid singer-songwriter stuff, his history of self-pitying tweets and then that ridiculous mask exemption badge business. 

“In the interests of balance, we wanted to air the arguments of Covid sceptics in a credible way, not just make them out to be one-dimensional idiots.

“Unfortunately, Mr Fox is a one-dimensional idiot. So we’ve given the role to Ben Kingsley instead. 

“We offered him the part of ‘maskless wanker in crowd’ during one of the demo scenes but he declined. Career-wise, I think that was a mistake.”

Speaking on BBC1, ITV, Channel 4, Sky News and in the Times, Mail, Express and Sun, Fox claimed that he had been “cancelled again”, but everyone is bored with it now.