The twat's guide to thinking you're making a difference with a bunch of stupid memes

IS your response to important events to send out a picture with an unfunny caption? Here Martin Bishop explains how he’s changing the world one meme at a time:

Go for the jugular

When news of the latest lockdown-breaking party broke, I didn’t think twice about posting a picture of a bloke carrying a big tray of pints with the caption ‘Boris Johnson last night’. I bet there were a few people at Downing Street shitting themselves when they saw that.

Ignore outdated forms of protest

Joining a pressure group, going on demos, voting in elections – all worse than useless. If you’re concerned about the NHS being privatised, just put up a meme of Hugh Laurie as Dr House looking annoyed with the words ‘NO WAY!’. Job done. Try selling off the NHS now, #ToryScum!

Become an expert on memes

I spend several hours a day familiarising myself with memes. You don’t want to make the rookie mistake of posting the guy leering at a passing woman while his girlfriend looks pissed off when you need a hard-hitting meme of Tyrion Lannister throwing up. People won’t take you seriously.

Remember: governments fear mockery most

Governments are used to brushing off criticism, but what they really fear is people laughing at them. It’s not like a minister can ignore a meme, close the page or say to their colleagues ‘Just some wankers on the internet’.

Be really hilarious 

Memes are so effective at speaking truth to power because people like a laugh, so learn to create devastatingly hilarious ones. If you hate Michael Gove, put up a cartoon shit with the words ‘GOVE – WHAT A ****!’ It’s funny but it makes a serious point. Don’t go too far though – you might get a Facebook ban.

Remind yourself you’re a freedom fighter

I see myself as a kind of cyber-Robin Hood, protecting the less computer-literate by humorously undermining the authority of their masters. If the internet had been invented then we could probably have stopped Hitler with some sarcastic Dr Zoidberg memes.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

WKD Blue for Gove: which booze would which politician take to a BYOB party?

THE Conservative government appears to have partied lockdown away. But which type of booze would which politician favour?

Michael Gove: WKD Blue

Everyone knows Michael Gove loves having it large, so he’ll bring the clubber’s drink of choice: a carrier bag full of bottles of WKD Blue. After furiously throwing some shapes on the Number 10 patio, he’ll vomit in a hedge and be sent home in a police car.

Rishi Sunak: Dom Perignon in an M&S Prosecco bottle

Despite being a millionaire married to a billionaire, Rishi Sunak is always keen to highlight his humble beginnings. To demonstrate what a down to earth guy he is he’ll drink a bottle of £9.99 M&S Prosecco, having first sneakily filled it up with ruinously expensive champagne when no one is looking.

Boris Johnson: pint of Baileys

Boris Johnson is essentially an overgrown child who has somehow become leader of the UK. As such, he won’t like the taste of wine or beer, but instead prefer a beverage which is basically an alcoholic milkshake. After a couple of pints of Baileys he’ll fall asleep under a table until Carrie takes him home.

Dominic Raab: six pack of Stella

Dom wants everyone to think he’s a tough guy, so he’ll arrive at the party bearing six cans of Stella and aggressively crush each one in his fist when it’s finished. When he’s sufficiently oiled up he’ll rip off his shirt to reveal a white vest like Bruce Willis wears in Die Hard and offer to arm wrestle Steve Barclay and Nadine Dorries at the same time.

Priti Patel: neat vodka with a vinegar chaser

Priti Patel may be famous for her smirk, but she rarely cracks a full smile and wouldn’t enjoy the party at all. However, she’d grit her teeth and get through it by necking her favourite drink of a shot of neat vodka washed down with half a pint of vinegar. It’s the sort of harsh and punishing thing she enjoys, just like her Nationality and Borders Bill.