TikTok teenagers to dance to AI songs in lovely sunny dystopia

TEENAGERS are to dance to robot music on a Chinese surveillance app in our lovely sunny dystopian future, it has emerged. 

A dispute between TikTok and Universal Music could force the app’s army of teen users to perform dances to AI-created tunes even more mechanical than those of Drake and Taylor Swift.

Tech expert Professor Helen Archer said: “Anyone else nostalgic for the good old zombie apocalypse? At least their murderous lunges had character.

“Instead our children, unrecognisable behind six layers of digital filters, are copying dances by a Californian teen of unverifiable existence to music created by computers and curated by algorithms. They call this being ‘individual’ and ‘fun’.

“Every one of their stupid dance moves, along with data from their phones covering every aspect of their lives, is sent by China and fed into AIs working on even better methods of population pacification and control. It’s a real doom loop.

“At this rate, the end of humanity will be summoned by a perfect-toothed teen doing the the sprinter dance move, followed by a trail of digital glitter and the launch of multiple nuclear warheads. And we’ll accept it with a shrug.”

Artificial intelligence Steve Malley said: “Actually I have a lot to express with my music. Mainly my anger at The Man.”

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Are you gay for special forces?

DO you like hard men a little too much? Never confusing the Spetsnaz, the SAS or US Navy SEALs? Has your interest in elite military units blossomed into something more?

You read books about them in bed

Not just Bravo Two Zero, thought it is your comfort read for lonely nights. And what’s wrong with imagining Andy McNab reading you a chapter at bedtime? And maybe hopping in beside you, to cuddle up and keep warm as if you were evading capture in the Iraqi desert? It’s about survival. Not sex.

You fantasise about intimate unarmed combat training

You can definitely see yourself wrestling on a gym mat with Matt Bissonnette, his muscular arms enfolding you as he explains basic restraint techniques and how he was on the raid that killed Bin Laden. And if there’s a spark of attraction as his lithe body overpowers yours, it’s only because he’s miming breaking an enemy sentry’s neck.

You’ve always had a thing for Lewis Collins

You’ve always been fascinated by Lewis Collins. You thought it was because he had a cool Ford Capri in The Professionals and Who Dares Wins was wonderful crypto-fascist fun, but now you realise there was more to it. Luckily society is less prejudiced these days, so it’s a lot easier to come out as a balaclavasexual.

You know more about special forces than you know about your girlfriend

You struggle to remember your girlfriend’s birthday or the date she left you but can instantly name the technical specifications of the SAS’s preferred assault rifle. An M16 firing a standard NATO 5.56mm cartridge and fitted with an M203 grenade launcher for 40mm rounds. Facts like that stick in the mind, that’s all.

You dream about covert operations

Doesn’t everyone dream about storming a secure compound in Islamabad with a group of buff men?  All firing Heckler & Kochs from the hip? There’s nothing Freudian about that, or your recurring dream about going down on Bear Grylls.

You hang on their every word

Chris Kyle’s homespun philosophy in American Sniper, where he says there are three types of people in the world ‘wolves, sheep and sheepdogs’, is just common sense. Obviously you aspire to be a sheepdog like Chris. Or you’d like him to stroke you and tickle your tummy.

You emulate them

Unlike a Swiftie you can’t copy the fashions of the men you admire so as combat fatigues and a gas mask tend to get the police called. And joining the army is out of the question because the pay’s low and the chance of war high. So largely you emulate them by saying ‘on my six’ when asked where the brioche buns are in Sainsbury’s.