Tiny jigsaw, spinning top, whistle: crap cracker toys ranked in order of crapness

FROM underwhelming bangs to flimsy crowns, crackers are toss. But worst of all is the failed promise of the toys, in order:

Miniature comb

This treat usually ends up in bald uncle John’s cracker, leading to hilarity and his emotional breakdown. After tiring of the abuse and throwing his plate against the wall, he’ll sulk off to watch Ratatouille in furious silence, leaving the rest of the family to slag him off over pudding. Brutal, impractical, but a conversation starter. 7/10

Spinning top

Credit where it’s due, this one stands apart from the pack because it actually works. You’ll get three or four good spins out of it before it smashes one of the good wine glasses, flies off the table and is lost forever. During spring cleaning you’ll hoover it up and write off your Dyson. 6.5/10

Tiny jigsaw

Everyone got their fill of jigsaws during lockdown and never wants to think about them again. The sight of a six-piece jigsaw of a snowman will trigger the trauma of the pandemic to come rushing back and bring down the festive mood. But worst of all, cracker jigsaws are too insultingly simple to be any fun. 5/10

Miniature screwdriver set

‘Huh, useful’, you wrongly think as you imagine using them to tighten the arms on your reading glasses. Stop lying to yourself. These tiny tools will never come in handy, not least because you’d need the dexterity of a brain surgeon to make them work and you can barely open a packet of crisps without f**king it up. 4/10

Plastic imitation Slinky

Instead of receiving a proper Slinky (large, metal, obeys the laws of motion) you get lumbered with the cracker version (small, plastic, doesn’t do its one job). Even shit cracker jokes fulfil their function better, and they rely on puns about elves and ‘wrap’ music to get a groan out of you. 2/10


Whoever thought that putting a loud choking hazard inside a cracker was a good idea is on the naughty list forever. The last thing anyone needs on the most stressful day of the year is some prick blasting away on a whistle while you’re trying to indulge in quality family time like sitting dead-eyed in front of the TV. 0/10

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Pigs in blankets reign supreme: Christmas Dinner foods, ranked

CHRISTMAS Dinner contains a multitude of delicious components, but now we’re all through it which is the best? 


Spouts are shit, even if you’re a middle-class wanker who tries to make them palatable by cooking them with Parmesan and garlic. But just like visiting your in-laws you must experience the misery, because of tradition. They are the encapsulation of Christmas.

Bread sauce

Sorry, what? A jug of wet, warm bread? No, thank you. Still better than sprouts though.


Boring, don’t taste of much. The only real benefit is they add a splash of colour to an otherwise worryingly beige plate.


Also boring, also colourful. Well, they should be, but your mum always forgets she’s put them on and boils them into brown, rock-hard pellets while secretly necking the cooking wine.


Sweet. Tasty. Especially when glazed in honey. But still a vegetable, and therefore disappointing.


Even if your dad has been up since 5am wrapping it in Parma ham and basting it with the same care and attention he put into bathing you as a newborn, turkey will only ever elicit a ‘meh’ from the table. Just do a chicken, dad, no one gives a f**k.

Cranberry sauce

Sharp, sweet, zesty, and exactly what is needed to cut through the rest of the stodge you’ve greedily heaped onto your plate, you tubby bastard.


Your foodie twat of a brother spends the best part of an hour lovingly making gravy from meat juices and browning. You tell him it tastes the same as Bisto granules. He gives you a dead leg under the table. Anyway, it’s good because it lubricates dad’s dry turkey without being bread sauce.


Herby, starchy, crunchy and utterly delicious, even if your mum accidentally bought the vegetarian stuff. You’d rather eat it instead of the turkey to be honest, but don’t tell your dad as he’s had a few and might start crying. Roasted dead bird is all he’s got.

Roast potatoes

Normally the king of a roast dinner, these fluffy, crispy wonders are sadly relegated to number two at Christmas. However, that doesn’t stop you filling 60 per cent of your plate with them and hissing at your sister ‘snitches get stitches’ when she says you’ve had more than your fair share.

Pigs in blankets

Salty, tasty meat wrapped in salty, tasty meat. The culinary pinnacle of the year and, arguably, the true meaning of Christmas.