Today most depressing day of year, says scientist disgusted at what he’s become

TODAY is officially the most depressing day of the year, according to a scientist degrading himself by concocting media bullshit.

Copper Sulphate Monday is when boffins open newspapers and see the unrecognisable caricature of science that, God help them, they have helped to create.

Dr Wayne Hayes said: “I work on high-throughput mutation detection for the Cancer Genome Project, or used to.

“There isn’t the funding for that, but there’s plenty of money to come up with equations demonstrating how to seat the perfect dinner party, the mathematics behind single socks going missing from the dryer and graphs explaining why Homeland should have finished after one season.

“They’ve promised I can do some proper research in February, after I’ve finished this equation which proves how to flip the perfect pancake.”

The scientists have come up with the equation SE=I-O², where SE is self-esteem, I is a negative number representing integrity and O represents the scientists’ overdraft, to explain why they can no longer look at themselves in the mirror.

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The Mash guide to overcoming your smartphone addiction

Are you sick of being a slave to your phone? Follow our simple guide to regaining control of your destiny.

Break your phone
One of the most effective ways to break the cycle is to break your phone – and modern handsets are helpfully designed to make this super simple. Drop it from a small height to smash the screen or throw the fucker against a wall and watch it explode into a thousand pices. Et voila: freedom!

Go Google-free
Instead of rudely using your phone to look up facts when you’re in conversation, just guess them instead. Speak with confidence: “The great fire of London was definitely in 1066”. No one will challenge you.

Use an old-fashioned alarm clock
Not one of those bell alarm clocks, we’re talking about going whole hog – you will wake when the sun and the birds rouse you. And if that’s not until 9.45am, so be it. Prepare an impassioned speech for your boss about making healthy choices for when you are handed a final written warning.

Talk constantly about how you’re not on your phone
Make the most of the time you save by not being glued to your phone by talking incessantly about how good it feels to not be glued to your phone. Your new mantra is: “Before mobile phones, people had to make plans and actually stick to them”. Use it as often as possible throughout the day.

Go back to books
You don’t actually have to read them, but gratuitously opening a hardback on the train while everyone else stares mindlessly at their handsets will release a powerful surge of superiority that will take your mind off the fact that you’re missing out on cat memes.

Carry a Casio scientific calculator
Keep an old-school scientific calculator to hand in case of emergency. If you feel the need to mindlessly press buttons and stare, just whip it out and entertain yourself by pressing the square root button over and over, and typing 5318008 and chuckling to yourself like a nincompoop.