Web Users Tell Phorm To Phuck Off

PHORM, the internet advertising spy, has been told to 'phuck right off' by a majority of web users.

Phorm tracks the websites visited by individuals and then uses the information to make tailored advertising campaigns encouraging consumers to buy yet more phucking rubbish.

But the company has come under attack from people who do not want to spied on absolutely every minute of their phucking lives.

Philip Phrancis, a phull-time phireman phrom Phelixtowe, said: "What a bunch of phuckers.

"Coming in here, nosing about inside my phucking computer. Phuck off you bunch of phucking phannies."

He added: "Spy on me and I'll kick you right up the phudge tunnel. Dirty phucking phelchers, the lot of you."

Phiona Pharmer, a pharmacist phrom Pharnborough, said: "Do you think I'm some kind of phuckwit?

"Try any phunny stuff with me and I'll stick my phist right up your phoreskin, you sneaky phuds."

Internet service providers say Phorm can be introduced with the minimum of phuss, insisting most of their customers are complete phucking phools.

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Transport Minister Crucified

THE secretary of state for transport has been crucified at the side of the M6 by an angry mob driven insane by the deliberate closure of the road and rail network over the Easter weekend.

Lord Adonis was set upon by motorists when he left his car to stretch his legs, after becoming stuck in a 320-mile tailback between Glasgow and Rugby.

The mob staged a brief trial before scourging the minister with brambles and nailing him to a makeshift cross.

Mob participant Wayne Hayes, from Chesterfield, said: "He tried to make a run for it, but tripped over a cone.

"One guy kept giving him really nasty paper cuts with his pointless train ticket while another hung a sign around his neck saying 'Sorry for any delay'."

Mr Hayes added: "He looked pretty miserable, bit it did raise our spirits and the kids had a good time."

Meanwhile the Health and Safety Executive has issued new crucifixion guidelines for anyone planning an accurate recreation of the death of Christ over the holiday weekend.

All 'Christs' should wear Goretex shorts rather than a loin cloth, for enhanced breathability.

In the event of warm weather, Christs should apply factor 30 sunblock to their shoulders and neck and be supplied with a wide-brimmed hat.

Crucifiers should use stainless steel hammer fixings with hardened drive-screws, rather than zinc-coated masonry nails.

Crosses should be constructed using machined hardwood at least 250mm thick and all joints should be strengthened with a heavy-duty angle bracket.

Crosses should be set in a hole 1.5 meters deep and secured using a high-quality ready-mixed concrete.

If you are using a nail gun, remember to wear goggles.

And don't forget to wash your hands.

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