'Oh My God! What The Fuck Is That!' Says Brown

PRIME minister Gordon Brown yesterday unveiled the government's annual list of Utterly Terrifying Things.

Mr Brown said the 2008 list was the longest since the 1930s and a timely reminder of why everyone should just shut up and do as they are told.

New to the top 10 is Bulgarian Goose Syndrome, which will not only wipe out British farming, but give everyone a nasty cold sore that will last for weeks.

The Prime Minister told the House of Commons: "You'll look all diseased and dirty. No-one will want to kiss you."

Meanwhile Mr Brown warned that Britain's pencils were now sharper than ever and urged pencil users to deploy 'some kind of makeshift cap, perhaps taken from an old Biro'.

The government report, Aaaaaaaaargh! 2008, also set out  the latest intelligence on fridge movements, warning that these 60cm wide appliances had now infiltrated every community in Britain.

Recommending that everyone buy a crash helmet, a gong, and a pitchfork, Mr Brown said: "Whether it be fridges, pencils or the constant threat from fanatical Bulgarian geese and… oh my God! What the fuck is that? Run! Run for your lives!"

Top 10 threats:

  • Terror, mayhem, general unpleasantness
  • Bird aches and pains 
  • Plastic bags

  • White wine promotions
  • The Archbishop of Canterbury
  • Butter
  • Over-sharpened pencils
  • Edmonds
  • Bulgarian Goose Syndrome
  • Attack of the Fridges
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Is Hbos Run By Scotsmen?

FINANCIAL watchdogs are to investigate malicious rumours that HBOS, one of Britain's leading banks, is run by filthy Scotsmen.

Shares in the bank plunged yesterday after unscrupulous traders claimed the 'S' in HBOS stood for 'Scotland' and that the bank had been taken over by a gang of 'arseholed Glaswegians'.

Julian Cook, a senior trader at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "After I'd dumped £220 million worth of stock, my first thought was for the poor people at HBOS, having to cope with all those awful Scotsmen." He added: "It's worse than having a bank run by Geordies."

A spokesman for the Financial Services Authority said: "It is deeply irresponsible to suggest that a major British bank is run by dirty Scotsmen. As everyone knows the 'S' stands for 'Sheffield'.

"HBOS is run by square-jawed Yorkshiremen, who go to church every Sunday and whose cheeks are red from long, character-building walks in the Pennines and vigorous games of rugby league."

Despite official reassurances some HBOS customers have withdrawn their savings, terrified at the prospect of it being touched by stinking, foul-mouthed Glaswegians.

Alice Peters, a teacher from Swindon, said: "Oh my God, they'll steal all my money and spend it on strong lager, deep fried confectionery and sporran wax."

Tom Logan, a retired policeman from Watford, said: "I was worried the branch manager would grab me by the lapels, breathe vodka and Coke all over me, then put his arm round my neck and force me to sing We Are Sailing."

An HBOS spokesman said: "Och, dinnae be a big clootie. There's nae Scotsmen here, apart from yon laddie who cleans oot the bogs."