Woman believes 83 Facebook friends actually give a toss about her birthday

A WOMAN has convinced herself that all the 83 friends who wished her a happy birthday on Facebook really mean it.  

Emma Bradford was overjoyed to find messages from so many people, although the vast majority would have taken no more than five seconds to write.

She said: “It’s times like this when you find out who your true friends are. My sister only bought me some jewellery but Mark at work went to all the trouble of typing ‘happy brithdag x’.

“And a girl I went to primary school with posted three birthday cake emojis – how sweet is that?

“My pathetic husband wrote me a heartfelt message about how much he loves me in an actual card but couldn’t be bothered to put it on social media. What a bastard.

“I want to thank everyone for the messages. It’s lovely to feel popular – especially with people from companies I worked for years ago who I only spoke to twice anyway.”

Francesca Ryan, who posted ‘Have a good one, hun’, said: “Is Emma that boring cow I met in the pub once, or am I thinking of a different one?”

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John Humphrys to be pain in the arse at local old folks' club

PENSIONERS are dreading John Humphrys’ retirement from Radio 4 as he is bound to make a pest of himself at the local Darby and Joan.

Members are afraid they are about to be subjected to the sort of cantankerous questioning that has seen Radio 4 listeners desert the Today show in droves.

Roy Hobbs, 83, said: “Today got so bad with his chummy exchanges with PG Wodehouse fugitives like Jacob Rees-Mogg I started watching Piers Morgan instead. Piers fucking Morgan.

“I know what he’ll be like. Chuntering away, talking over everybody, ruining the dominoes by suggesting all 27 EU members join a Greater United Kingdom or some such nonsense.”

Humphrys said: “My PA’s sent an application to the Darby and Joan, so I’m all set to ask hard-hitting questions like ‘Why has the whist drive been cancelled?’ in an aggressive, needling way that ultimately leaves you none the wiser.

“I also have lots of strong opinions, so I’m looking forward to a few furious arguments about whether Doctors is better than Take the High Road.”

However Hobbs’ wife Sandra said: “We’ve got enough opinionated old duffers already. If he says to me ‘I’m going to have to push you’ he’s getting a People’s Friend up his arse.”