Woman rearranges dishwasher for three hours to avoid washing a mug

A WOMAN spent three hours rearranging the crockery in her dishwasher in a desperate attempt to fit in one more mug.

Marie Hopkins, from Bristol, had just finished loading up all the dirty dishes when she spotted a used coffee mug next to the kettle that had to be cleaned otherwise life would become meaningless.

Hopkins said: “My first port of call was to try to squeeze it in between the other mugs but it wouldn’t fit. Then I attempted to shove it in next to the bowls but that didn’t work either. At this point it had become a pain in my arse.

“I then thought about taking a sledgehammer to the entire bastard. It was very close. And then I decided to just buy a second dishwasher, but it was 1am and I realised I wouldn’t have been able to get a plumber. Or a dishwasher.

“So I ended up taking everything out and putting it all back in again. However, the little piece of shit would still not fit.”

She added: “Anyway, I’ve decided to just sell the house. The new owner can deal with this ghastly mug business.”

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27-year-old man man unveils utterly tragic shopping basket

A 27-year-old man has unveiled a shopping basket described by witnesses as an ‘epic tragedy’.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, presented the basket at his Sainsbury’s Local to murmurs of sympathy, disgust and abject despair from fellow shoppers, the cashier and a security guard.

Logan’s basket contained a cheese and tomato Pot Noodle, a box of Mini Milks, some AAA batteries, a Daily Express and a bottle of cheap gin.

Fellow shopper, Eleanor Shaw, said: “Gandhi once said that the shopping basket is a window to the soul, but even Gandhi would have told this guy to get a fucking grip.

“I would have offered to buy him some fruits and vegetables, but he doesn’t deserve them.”

Logan said: “Perhaps you would all like to fuck off?

“I bought the Pot Noodle because my pregnant wife is craving it, I bought the Daily Express because my mum likes reading it and I bought the gin so that I can cope with both my pregnant wife and my racist mother.

“Actually, I made that all up. My life is deeply shoddy and this basket is the proof. But you can all still fuck off.”