Yesterday most depressing day of year, say scientists disgusted at what they've become

MONDAY January 19th was officially the most depressing day of the year, according to scientists degrading themselves by concocting media bullshit.

Copper Sulphate Monday is when boffins open newspapers and see the unrecognisable caricature of science that, God help them, they have helped to create.

Dr Wayne Hayes said: “I work on high-throughput mutation detection for the Cancer Genome Project, or used to.

“There isn’t the funding for that, but there’s plenty of money to come up with equations demonstrating how to seat the perfect dinner party, the mathematics behind single socks going missing from the dryer and graphs explaining why Homeland should have finished after one season.

“They’ve promised I can do some proper research in February, after I’ve finished this equation which proves how to flip the perfect pancake.”

The scientists have come up with the equation SE=I-O², where SE is self-esteem, I is a negative number representing integrity and O represents the scientists’ overdraft, to explain why they can no longer look at themselves in the mirror.

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European dole more chic and sophisticated

BEING on the dole in Europe is a more stylish and sophisticated experience than in the UK, ex-pat Britons have claimed.

Unemployed UK citizens say European countries’ enlightened attitudes make claiming state benefits a rich cultural experience.

Jobless IT worker Wayne Hayes said: “At the job centre in Provence all the staff look like Alain Delon and the young Catherine Deneuve, not the depressed lardarses you get in Britain.

“You don’t get any extra dole money but top quality food is incredibly cheap here, so dolies live off foie gras, duck confit and fine Bordeaux wines instead of baked beans, Super Noodles and White Ace.

“Also instead of persecuting the unemployed the French respect them because they think anyone who sits around drinking red wine and smoking all day is probably an intellectual.

“There’s a risk of getting your benefit stopped if you’re not stylish and enigmatic enough, but they give you Christian Dior suits and Gauloises for that.”