You can f**k off if you think you’re getting a new iPhone now, says Apple

APPLE CEO Tim Cook has announced that next week’s iPhone 7 launch will not take place because the world does not deserve it. 

Following the European Commission’s ruling that Apple must pay €13 billion in back taxes, the company has cancelled the launch and condemned humanity to a dystopian future without new Apple products.

Tim Cook said: “You did this to yourselves.

“All we wanted was to give you life-changing new technologies for a nominal fee but no, you insisted we pay tax like we were a dirty little kebab shop.

“Well, from now on there’s no annual iPhone update. Every Apple user out there will be trapped in the personal hell of having a phone less advanced than a teenager’s Android.

“And we were just about to get rid of the headphone socket too, meaning you had to buy a new £300 pair of Beats By Dre.

“That’s all we ever wanted. To help.”

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Apple not toothless crofter living alone in peat-burning cottage, EU rules

THE EU has ruled that Apple is not a kindly old crofter living in an isolated cottage in County Mayo, as it had claimed for tax purposes. 

The multinational corporation claimed to have made €6.4 billion per annum by selling peat, distilling poteen and helping neighbours clear up after storms. 

An EU official said: “After consideration, we have concluded that Apple’s turnover of €88 billion between 2004 and 2016 is related to their technology business rather than lucky finds of leprechaun gold. 

“Investigations have shown that iPhones 2 to 6S were not, as asserted, the names of Seamus O’Connor’s draught horses used to haul his old wooden cart to market. 

“And while the gentleman in question does indeed sit by the fire nursing a jug of buttermilk telling twinkle-eyed folk tales to the young ones, this does not result in the €62 million monthly profit claimed. 

“Apple owes the EU some €13 billion in unpaid taxes. Payment in potatoes will be refused.” 

An Apple spokesman said: “This news will break Tim Cook’s heart, when it reaches him. There aren’t yet phone lines to his clapboard surf shack in La Jolla.”