You can f**k off if you think you’re getting a new iPhone now, says Apple

APPLE CEO Tim Cook has announced that next week’s iPhone 7 launch will not take place because the world does not deserve it. 

Following the European Commission’s ruling that Apple must pay €13 billion in back taxes, the company has cancelled the launch and condemned humanity to a dystopian future without new Apple products.

Tim Cook said: “You did this to yourselves.

“All we wanted was to give you life-changing new technologies for a nominal fee but no, you insisted we pay tax like we were a dirty little kebab shop.

“Well, from now on there’s no annual iPhone update. Every Apple user out there will be trapped in the personal hell of having a phone less advanced than a teenager’s Android.

“And we were just about to get rid of the headphone socket too, meaning you had to buy a new £300 pair of Beats By Dre.

“That’s all we ever wanted. To help.”