LIES are the glue that holds society together, and sometimes you’re forced to be not 100 per cent totally sincere. Like every time you use these phrases.
Let me know if you need anything
You say this to a sick friend or a relative going through a tough time but what you really mean is ‘Do not contact me until your period of misery is over’. Or ‘I guess I could get you a magazine but I’m not doing your f**king shopping’.
You look beautiful
To the bride at every wedding ever, even when they look like the marshmallow man out of Ghostbusters.
Hope you are well
Whether emailing a colleague or your letting agent, this is your go-to opening sentence. The fact that it’s these unloved twats shows you don’t actually care if they’ve got bubonic plague.
I’m fine, everything’s fine
Everything is shit but you’d rather die than admit it to anyone. Admittedly bottling up resentment is how mass shooters start out, but you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.
Do you need help with the washing up?
The last thing you want to do is help clear up at a dinner party but it’s kind to offer. If they answer ‘yes’ they are dead to you.
No worries if not
What you mean is: ‘If you can’t do this thing I have asked for I will be absolutely devastated.’
Let meet for coffee!
Never going to happen. But let’s do the decent thing and pretend that it is. You didn’t specify when. 2052? They might be dead by then. Hopefully.
It’s so nice to see you
When you bump into someone in the supermarket and it ruins your plan to pop in for a sandwich and get out of there, it is definitely not nice to see them.
How are you?
The correct response to this is unequivocally ‘Fine, how are you?’. You don’t actually want to know if someone is anything other than ‘fine’. Your time is precious and you don’t need them bothering you with some pissy little problem like getting divorced.
I can’t make 7pm but I’ll try and meet you there later
You have no intention of trying anything other than putting your pyjamas on and watching Netflix later.