11-11-11 apocalypse coming together perfectly

ECONOMIC collapse, nuclear brinksmanship and an asteroid are signs that tomorrow’s end of days is shaping up well, it has been claimed.

With the EU about to be plunged into gibbering chaos because of a wicked, lustful man with counterfeit hair, Israel dusting off the nukes and the YU55 space rock probably doubling back for another go, things could not be looking more biblical.

Rapture organiser God said: “It was a toss-up between 11-11-11 and 12-12-12 but I went for the former because who knows what they’ll be doing in a year’s time.

“I’m quite nervous about tomorrow because it’s my first proper apocalypse, but the early signs are that it’s looking even better than I could’ve hoped.

“There’s still loads to organise – I must admit I’ve skimped slightly on the pestilence – but touch wood it’s going to be a winner.

“Hopefully things should kick off about 10am tomorrow with Berlusconi’s head on a spike and people of all nations shouting at each other. Midday the nuclear things start, then about 4pm I’m going to send in the abominations.

“It’s a very full day.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “I’m fairly sure the Mayans tried to warn us about this.

“Though it would have been more helpful if they’d left a clearly-worded note instead of obscure pictograms, for fuck’s sake.

“On the plus side, at least it’s a day off work.”

Office worker Emma Bradford said: “I will be going to work regardless of fiery lakes because I get a real kick out of my customer services role. However I shall be having an extra cupcake at lunchtime.”



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NASA abandons search for intelligent life on Earth

SCIENTISTS monitoring the airwaves for signs of intelligent life on planet Earth have finally given up, it has emerged.

Staff at NASA’s California monitoring station had spent the last three decades scanning this planet’s electronic media output for signs of anything not shit.

A NASA spokesman said: “As much as we all wanted it to be true, it sadly appears there is pretty much nothing but soil-brained idiocy emanating from Earth’s airwaves.

“After monitoring another series of The Only Way Is Essex, incalculable talent shows and a Channel 5 documentary about transgender ghost owls, we have abandoned hope.

“This planet is a vacuous nightmare of teenage vampires, celebrity sex tapes and energy drinks called things like Grunt.

“Instead we will focus our attention on Mars, where there are indications of single-celled organisms that are already more advanced than humanity.”

NASA’s Earth-monitoring facilities will now be dismantled, while the scientists involved plan to kill themselves.

Tom Logan, author of First Contact: The Search for Intelligent Life on Earth, said: “I do believe there is compelling evidence of intelligent human entities reaching out to us. It would be incredibly arrogant to assume otherwise.

“For example the other night I saw Mad Men followed by a serviceable documentary about sharks.

“However these broadcasts were followed by Danny’s Dyer’s Fucking Hard Fuckers II: Fucking Hard As Fuck. Which sort of cancelled them out.”