20,000 students to study something they’ve never heard of

A RECORD number of students are to study subjects they just found out existed.

UCAS, the university clearing body, has confirmed it has delayed the minimum wage for more than 20,000 feckless teenagers.

Student Nikki Hollis said: “Apparently there’s a place called ‘Roehampton’ and there’s a thing called ‘radiography’. I had hoped to do media studies because I wanted to look at the internet for three years, but this one’s got the word ‘radio’ in it.

“I’m glad I’m not one of those people who put in some effort and are off to actual cities with more than one nightclub.”

Meanwhile, university staff have developed a system for welcoming students arriving via clearing by ending every sentence with ‘like you give a shit’.

Martin Bishop, a tutor at Roehampton University, said: “What is the point other than having sex with some of them?”

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So is casual racism not allowed either? asks UKIP

UKIP has asked for clarification on whether ‘casual racism’ is the same as ‘proper racism’.

The party wants to know if terms such as ‘ting-tong’ are offensive and when to apologise for using the word ‘Paki’.

Tom Logan, a UKIP candidate from Peterborough, said: “If people object to ‘casual racism’ then they shouldn’t call it ‘casual’. That makes me think everyone is very relaxed about it.

“This means there’s now a huge number of words I can no longer say out loud. Luckily the vast majority of my conversations take place inside my own head. It’s so noisy in there.”

Jane Thomson, a UKIP candidate from Doncaster, said: “This is confusing. Jeremy Clarkson used the word ‘slope’ in a very casual way. It’s not as if he wrote it down or used it while talking to a member of the Royal family.

“And he’s still being paid a huge amount of money by the BBC. It’s not as if they sacked him immediately. They just gave him a bit of a talking to and then wrote him another massive cheque.

“What about ‘dago’?”