2012 told to piss off

THE human race has told 2012 to piss off two weeks early.

The last 352 days have been so consistently awful that the highlight has somehow managed to be hundreds of show-offs poncing about London without being attacked by stray dogs.

Wayne Hayes, a Carlisle taxi driver, said: “It started on January 1st with a massive headache and the discovery that somebody had shat in my bed.

“After that it got worse, then it got a bit better and then it got really, really horrible. But at least Andy Murray has made more money than last year.”

Emma Bradford, from Hatfield, said: “The highlight for me was standing next to the Thames in the pissing rain as a rich old woman floated past me on a barge.

“After losing my job as a librarian and being told by Cash Converters that the diamonds on my engagement ring were fake, her thin smile and general look of boredom cheered me up no end.”

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “As a sport-hating republican my highlight has been the tsunami of increasingly fucked-up Jimmy Savile revelations.

“The only way it can be rebalanced is if 2013 reveals Bernard Manning to have been the secret founder of Oxfam.”

Across the globe Palestinians fired their guns at calendars, while North Koreans told each other how ‘delightful’ it has been to have another fat little maniac in charge. And in America voters remembered how enthusiastically they voted for the man who was not Mitt Romney.

Back in the UK a petition has been launched calling for 2013 to be drier, less sordid, less sport-ridden and – for the love of God – just a little bit cheaper.

Logan added: “2012 – a great year for British people who get paid to ride bicycles.”



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Assault weapons are very handy, says US gun lobby

MILITARY-STYLE assault rifles have many practical applications for the perfectly sane, it has been claimed.

As America mourns the victims of Sandy Hook, pro-firearm campaigners in the US have warned against tighter controls on so-called ‘assault weapons’, highlighting the sheer usefulness of semi-automatic artillery.

Mother-of-three Emma Bradford said: “We have a big yard so when it’s time to call the family in for meals I fire a burst of rounds into the air, it’s sort of like a ‘dinner gong’ but with bullets.

“If my gun weren’t semi-auto I’d have to reload between shots – more like a succession of single rounds – which would be ineffective because it could be mistaken for a car backfiring.

“However I do think America needs to reform its mental health laws. This obviously would not affect sane people like me.”

Texas office worker Tom Logan said: “I use my assault rifle to re-heat coffee. After firing a number of rounds into a wall the barrel gets very hot, and then I hold my mug against it.

“If you want to take my warm mug away you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.”

Huntsman and NRA member Budd Hobbs said: “Normal guns are fine for deer but I’m actually after the Jersey Devil, a sort of bear/bat/wolf hybrid from popular American mythology.

“When that mythical chimera is charging at me I won’t have time to reload. So if they found my bloodstained boots next to some massive three-toed footprints, it’d be those peacenik Democrats to blame.

“You can’t argue with that logic, can you? Especially as I’ve got an assault weapon.”