25-year-old who says she feels ‘ancient’ told to shut the f**k up

A 25-YEAR-OLD who spent her birthday complaining about being ‘basically middle-aged’ has been advised by older friends to shut the f**k up.

Eleanor Shaw spent the whole evening bemoaning the end of her youth and the fact that she will not be able to get a railcard next year, while everyone in their 30s and 40s tried to bite their tongues.

The final straw came when Shaw claimed she could see a grey hair, whereupon her 54-year-old mother told her to ‘get off her bullshit right now’.

Friend Carolyn Ryan, aged 37, said: “She wants wrinkles? I’ll show her wrinkles that will haunt her nightmares.

“There is nothing more narcissistic than a 25-year-old blonde girl claiming she’s old. Her memories of school are fresh and recent. She literally doesn’t know what old is.

“Her mum’s got arthritis, her brother’s going through a painful divorce, her granny’s massaging her varicose veins right there in front of her, but she’s like ‘OMG! I’m, like, a dried-up old hag!’

“Just you wait, you little shit. Just you wait.”

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Britons wondering how you go about starting a coup

THE UK is wondering just how one would forcibly remove an unpopular leader with no democratic mandate hell-bent on ruining the country.

Britons are now musing on what it would take to bring such a thing about and if there is anything they are able to do to help it along.

Tom Logan of Ludlow said: “My brother-in-law’s in the army. I could ask him.

“I mean I’d always thought of coups as bad, but you reach a point when seeing a soldier presenting the Ten O’Clock News would come as something of a relief. At least they’re adults.

“Surely if Burkina Faso can manage eight coups since 1980, we could pull off a little one, or even just a putsch. I’d prefer bloodless, though obviously you have to be flexible.

“We just need a military strongman, a load of tanks in the streets, and some light shelling of a palace and we’re away.

“I’m happy with anyone in a vintage army jacket festooned with medals being in charge. Can’t be worse.”