30-year-old loses last, tenuous grasp of youth culture

AN adult man who thought he was still down with the kids has finally lost the remaining, insubstantial grasp he had on youth culture.

Ageing millennial Tom Booker thought he had a few years left until he became out-of-touch, but was forced to re-evaluate after being shown clips of a teenage lip syncer with billions of views on TikTok.

Booker said: “It was an inane video of some kid mouthing along to a song I didn’t know by a rapper I’ve never heard of. I reckon it aged me by about 20 years in the space of six seconds.

“When I asked someone in the comments to explain to me why it was so popular around 50 people called me a boomer, then I was bombarded with a flurry of emojis that didn’t make any sense.

“Is this how it begins, the gradual slide into obsolescence? I know who Billie Eilish is, doesn’t that count for anything?

“I thought I had a decade until I was made to feel middle aged, but I might as well call it quits now and form some centrist political opinions. Why delay the inevitable? I’m on the scrapheap so I might as well embrace it.

“I’m not bitter, I just can’t wait for the next wave of kids to come along and make Gen Z feel old and irrelevant. That’s assuming the planet doesn’t explode by then, which it definitely will.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

17 activities that will genuinely prepare you for having a baby

YOU may be tempted to sleep, watch films, or have sex while enjoying your last baby-free weeks. Don’t. Instead, ease yourself into a life of tiredness and stress by doing these things.  

1. Set your alarm to go off every hour between 8pm and 8am. On hearing the alarm get up and wander around the house carrying a big watermelon. 

2. Shush and sing to the watermelon in the dark until you are about to pass out. Repeat this every night.

3. Continue to carry the watermelon around the house during the day. It is vital that you NEVER put it down. You must eat, drink and even go to the toilet with the watermelon.

4. Do not sit down.

5, All food and drink must be consumed cold and using only one hand.

6. Going to the toilet alone is so pre-babies. From now on, take the watermelon with you and a huge balloon. Once on the toilet, let the balloon go to ensure you are trapped in a small room with something that is squealing incessantly.

7. Spray the sofa and your bed with fresh urine, vomit and milk to get your senses accustomed to these cute baby smells.

8. Tie one arm behind your back and learn to perform all tasks with one hand.

9. Empty your sock drawer, throw half of them out and scatter the remaining few all over the house.

10. Gather everything you own that is nice and/or valuable. Take a hammer and smash them all to bits.

11. Dip your hands in honey and/or snot. Smear across your TV screen and patio doors.

12. Stop showering. Or if you really must make sure you take that watermelon and balloon in with you.

13. Buy a second washing machine because once you have babies you will be doing laundry every day for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

14. Cover your entire house in baby wipes.

15. Give up sleep. Sleeping is cheating.

16. Stop answering the phone or replying to text messages.

17. Never arrive anywhere on time.