32-year-old man still expects praise for parking

A DRIVER of 15 years’ standing still expects his excellent parking skills to be commented on by anyone in the passenger seat. 

Joseph Turner has been driving for almost half his life but demands admiration for his mastery of the parking manoeuvres.

He said: “If you’re not the driver, you don’t think about the care and precision required to back into a tight spot. Let alone being eagle-eyed enough to find the optimum space in the first instance.

“Last summer on holiday I parallel parked on a one-lane street in the centre of a busy Greek island hill town. It worked first time, in a hire car I wasn’t even familiar with.

“My girlfriend got straight out without saying anything, like I was her Uber driver.”

He added: “Sometimes I say things as I switch off the engine like, ‘Dead on,’ or ‘We were lucky to find this space, weren’t we?’ but nobody ever takes the hint.

“I wish my old driving instructor Rob was still in the car with me. ‘Great parking, Joe,’ he always used to say.”



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The top seven places to throw up

YOUR gorge is rising, you’re about to hurl – but where do you head? Check out our select seven superior spots to lose that mess: 

The garden
The fresh air hits your lungs, your chest convulses and you spew in an idyllic sylvan setting. What could be nicer? And no missing the bowl when there’s no bowl, unless you’ve got a birdbath. Does require some after-swilling.

The toilet
An absolute cold-porcelain classic, with or without optional fluorescent lighting, and the least likely to need cleaning. Though it will need cleaning, and that cleaning will be horrible, especially as cleaning toilets is an unpleasant job to begin with.

In public
Remember that time when you were sick on platform 11 of Manchester Piccadilly station? Or when you threw up in a bin in front of that bus queue? Or when you chucked down a spiral staircase in Amsterdam? What happened next? You walked off and it wasn’t your problem.

A bowl
Riding the Vomit Rooster long-term through illness? Treat housemates to the sight of you relaxedly retching into a bowl while watching Judge Rinder. Extra cool points if you’ve got a family and it’s the kids’ pink plastic sick bowl.

A corner
There’s something delightfully primal about eschewing all mod cons and niceties and just losing it in any random meeting of walls. Makes you realise maybe we’re not all so different, after all.

Kitchen sink
A robust, though problematic, choice. Ideally placed in terms of height, scrubbable, easy-to-rinse, but just too near to food preparation areas for any errors to be less than catastrophic. Epidemiologists recommend anywhere else.

Everywhere’s wipe-clean, and there’s wi-fi.