£50m of extra schools funding going to Hogwarts

THE government has been criticised for giving all £50m of its new schools funding to the elitist institution Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The boarding school, which is highly selective, mainly admits children from wealthy aristocratic families and is expected to spend the money on wands and fancy magical banquets.

Headmaster Professor Albus Dumbledore said: “I’ve earmarked a couple of million for a new Quidditch pitch, which we don’t technically need because they float above it on broomsticks but it looks nice.

“We also have our own personal train and invisible platform at King’s Cross to maintain, neither of which muggles are allowed to see or even know exist but it’s only fair taxpayers stump up for them.

“A flagship school like ours encourages aspiration in ordinary children, who won’t ever be admitted because they can’t do magic. I’m afraid that’s just policy.

“Did I mention a full quarter of our pupils are evil? That might seem odd but it’s simply tradition. A wonderful Hogwarts tradition.”

Muggle Nathan Muir said: “I suppose I should be fucked off, but it’s no more unfair than all those grammar schools I pay for.”

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'We were just talking about you' code for 'We were just saying what a twat you are'

ANYONE who says ‘We were just talking about you’ has definitely just been laughing about your failings as a human being.

Research by the Institute for Studies found 100% of chats among colleagues, acquaintances and even close friends focused on how shit you are.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Let’s put it this way – how many people do you know who say nice things about someone when they’re not there?

“Our study conclusively proved conversations in your absence mainly involve how you’re a bit up yourself, how you facially resemble Beaker from the Muppets and extensive pity for your sexual partner.”

Study participant Nikki Hollis disputed the findings, arguing that occasionally compliments were added to the character assassinations.

She said: “It’s not always bitching. I always qualify anything nasty I might say, for example, ‘Gemma is lovely, but fucking hell she’s boring’. I think that’s pretty good of me.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Criticising people behind their backs is juvenile and cowardly, so I would recommend telling friends they look like a big fat pig in those jeans to their face.”