64% of driving favours totally unacknowledged

IF you reverse to let another driver pass they will probably not even wave, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that 64% of road-based courteousness was not acknowledged by the recipient, not even with a fucking nod of the head.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “From personal experience, I reversed literally half a mile down a tortuous side street to let this guy in a silver Audi get by.

“You kind of think that might earn a raised hand, a mouthed ‘cheers mate’ or even a cheeky wink, but no. He just sped past like a massive twat.

“I don’t mean to sound petty or needy but I gave him the milk of human kindness and he spat it into my face.

“Now I’ll never do anything nice for another human ever.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I stopped at a junction to let a man in a new Mini pull out, even though the drivers behind started honking impatiently.

“But he didn’t even look me in eye. It’s not a big deal however it was eight years ago and I think get angry when I think about that ignorant fucking son of a bitch.”

“I know you shouldn’t expect anything in return for being helpful, but all he needed to do was use the muscles in his arm to elevate his hand.

“Thinking about it makes me want to puke.”

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Charles to become Queen

FORMER Prince Charles has mixed feelings about his new role as the Queen, it has emerged.

Although she wants to step down, Elizabeth II doesn’t really see Charles as ‘king material’.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “HRH felt that Charles’s leftist, sensitive views on plants and animals made him more suited to a queen role.

“She explained to Charles that it was just like being king except he will be referred to as ‘Her Majesty’, and occasionally wear a ball gown.

“Also Charles must learn to be behave coquettishly around visiting despots and generally deploy feminine wiles in the interests of diplomacy.

“It’s sad really, Charles was bouncing around like a spaniel yesterday prior to the ‘special meeting’ with his mother.

“But he emerged from the room in tears, then punched an ormolu clock and hurt his hand.”

He added: “Still, I’m sure he’ll do a great job until William is old enough to take over. William will make a smashing king.”