64 per cent of Britons harbouring secret pro-Christmas views

MILLIONS of Britons secretly enjoy Christmas and are actively looking forward to it.

You actually like this despite calling him an ‘old perv’

Respondents to an anonymous survey by the Institute for Studies confirmed they would enjoy Christmas despite outward cynicism about the festive season.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I would never admit this to friends but there are a lot of good things about Christmas – the time off work, the drinking, the eating. I even think those massive Christmas light displays that mental people have on their houses are quite pretty.

“Winter would be pretty shit without it.”

Guardian reader Emma Bradford said: “Christmas is the time when I am ostensibly up in arms about ‘commercialisation’, which is weird because I buy myself expensive shoes, chairs and other consumer items through the year without any such reservations.

“Perhaps the real reason I pretend to dislike it is that it is a bit common.”

86-year-old Bill McKay said: “I’ve spent decades building my persona as the neighbourhood’s most curmudgeonly old bastard. But when nobody’s around I listen to carol records on my headphones.

“I like their lyrical imagery of frosty landscapes and candle-lit nativity scenes. But of course if any kids come to my door raising their angelic voices in song I will tell them to fuck off.”

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Racing driver named Britain’s greatest ever Lewis

LEWIS Hamilton has been recognised as the country’s number one Lewis of all time.

After winning the Formula 1 championship, the racing driver was officially acknowledged as being superior to either the actor Lewis Collins from the 80s action film Who Dares Wins or the fictional television detective Lewis as played by Kevin Whateley.

Lewis Hamilton said: “To all the people who said that Lewis was a slightly strange name that sounds more like a small seaside town than a person, suck it.

“To all the Lewises out there, you can have a super hot yoghurt-advertising girlfriend and a really fast car without changing your name to something more fashionable like Jack.”

The queen said: “Our nation has produced many great Lewises, although I cannot think of them right now.”