65% of UK population has been on Come Dine With Me

ALMOST two-thirds of British people have appeared on Channel 4’s Come Dine With Me, it has emerged.

According to new research by the Institute for Studies, the entire UK population will have participated in the show by 2018, making it the most complete survey of British society since the Domesday Book.

The show sends four stereotypes to each other’s houses for bad food, booze and backbiting, while a man’s voice takes the piss out of them.

Historian Tom Logan said: “Never have so many people, from the very bottom of the social ladder to just under halfway up, had their lives so thoroughly documented.

“Future generations will know what we ate, what we drank, how pathetically desperate we were for a shag and exactly what constituted ‘a good laugh’.

“By viewing Come Dine With Me they will be able to judge us and despise us just as we despise ourselves.”

Come Dine With Me, which screens eight hour-long new episodes every day, is now the country’s sixth-biggest industry.

More than 22,000 interns are employed to deliver menus to contestants pretending to be at their place of work each lunchtime, and drivers are advised to avoid the 11pm rush hour when Britain’s roads are jammed with taxis full of drunken, costumed backstabbers.

Researchers analysing the data provided by 40 million Come Dine With Me contestants now believe the UK is composed of four personality types: flamboyant gay man, overweight obsessive-compulsive gourmet, weirdo loner and middle-aged tart.



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Annan decks Assad

KOFI Annan has floored Syria’s President Bashar al-Assad with a single blow.

The UN envoy became increasingly agitated during yesterday’s meeting with the Syrian leader, grimacing and tugging his sleeves as the dictator repeatedly denied responsibility for his army’s actions, blaming civilian deaths on terrorists, faulty bombs or possibly mass spontaneous combustion.

After listening to nearly two hours of the Syrian leader’s flimsy self-justification, Annan muttered darkly and stood, removing his jacket and calmly handing it to an aide. He then punched Assad square in the face, sending him over the back of a chair.

Annan said: “Diplomacy, not violence, is the answer and I deeply regret my actions. However I must admit it felt good. Really good.

“That guy’s such a prick.”

A UN spokesman said: “Despite Kofi’s calm, almost Zen-like exterior, he’s pretty tasty with his fists when he gets riled up.

“And while this hasn’t exactly helped the situation, Assad is an absolute top flight bell-end.

“Even putting aside the all the brutal oppression and other more worthwhile reasons to detest him, he looks disconcertingly like a 70s catalogue model but with a tiny face that could fit on a 10p.

“Plus he writes his wife emotionally-incontinent emails in the style of a teenage bedwetter while listening to Right Said Fred and poppy middle-of-the road country music.

“Incidentally, just having an iTunes account doesn’t make you human and ‘relatable’. You can have a credit card and still be an oozing black miasma of wickedness.”