'Keep Calm...' posters actually intensely irritating

THE current glut of ‘morale-boosting’ posters and tat is having the opposite-to-intended effect, it has emerged.

Researchers have found that posters and crud inspired by the WW2 government poster ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’  are not creating an atmosphere of upbeat stoicism.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The poster is actually more likely to inspire exasperation, boredom and a sense of living in a hopelessly empty world where nothing means anything any more and all human experience has been reduced to the purchase of trivial nostalgic shite from shops playing Groove Armada CDs.

“This type of poster was originally produced during wartime, but had limited distribution because people generally dislike being patronised by inane drivel when they’re having bombs rained on them.

“Just look at it. Why? Why would you like that? Why would you want to pluck it from the bottom of history’s litter tray and then contrive billions of unamusing variations involving cups of tea and cupcakes?

“At best it has no amusement value. At worst it is a sad reminder that Britain is no longer a nation of indomitable tea-drinking eccentrics but a homogenised, coffee-fuelled pit of brawling, self-serving corporate drones.

“Everyone in the office disagrees with me and says I am being miserable but fuck them, they are morons.”

However the ‘Keep Calm…’ phenomenon may soon expire as the crud industry rapidly exhausts every possible variation on the phrase.

Retro-themed shite monger Nikki Hollis said: “This has been a fabulous cash cow but we’ve simply run out of things one can do while keeping calm.

“Our designers’ suggestions have become increasingly bizarre – ‘Keep calm and repeatedly bang your erection against a window while screaming’, ‘Keep calm or we will smell your fear’, ‘Keep calm and watch your neigbour in the bath’, that sort of thing.

“We’re dry.”



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