90 percent of kebabs more regrettable than 90 percent of one night stands

NINETY percent of kebabs are significantly more regrettable than most drunken one night stands, researchers have have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that people felt a greater shame after looking at the remains of whatever that was they ate last night compared to peeling back the covers and looking at someone they do not know, or in worst cases, they know really well.

Kebab victim, Donna Sheridan said, “Sleeping with Martin from accounts was a terrible, terrible idea. That’s just a fact.

“But he’s not quite as greasy, odorous and misshapen as whatever that was. This time, I really do feel dirty.”

Martin Bishop added: “Sleeping with Donna from HR was a terrible, terrible idea. That’s just a fact.

“But I’m supposed to be a vegan and me and my girlfriend are going to a vegan food market today. I’m sure they’ll smell the meat on me.

“Obviously, the fact that I’ve got a girlfriend would make you think that I should regret the one night stand more.

“But, like I said, I’m a vegan and that always comes first.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man playing public piano in railway station doesn’t realise he’s a twat

A MAN tinkling about on a public piano in a railway station is unaware he is getting on everyone’s tits.

The man, sporting slightly unkempt long hair and three-day stubble which he thinks makes him sexually attractive, is hoping to impress the sort of girls who fall for an untalented stranger playing music at them in a railway station.

But experts have confirmed there is no such thing.

The man said: “Yeah, I just saw the piano and had the urge to create. I don’t need an audience, I just need to express myself. It’s like I’m in a world of my own.”

Noticing that he was failing to attract an audience, the man added: “IT’S LIKE I’M IN A WORLD OF MY OWN.”

Emma Bradford, who was enjoying a coffee until the twat started making noise, said: “I like men who do things with their hands. But not that.”