A Child's Guide To Modern Britain

RUB a dub dub, three men in a tub – Which is a perfectly normal domestic arrangement and exactly the same as a mummy and daddy who are married. Now here's a cartoon that will educate your five year-old about how three men can have sex with each other at the same time. In a bath.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone,
When she got there the cupboard was bare because she had spent 13 years creating public sector non-jobs for people with worthless degrees. So the poor little doggie shat in her bed.

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house that he bought with a secret loan from a millionaire chum that he didn't declare to his mortgage lender because he's a sleazy prick who thinks he's better than you.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl but he only got his bowl because some bullshit statistics showed that if he smoked his pipe then at least two of his fiddlers would die of cancer.

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
They were all sitting on the platform at Bristol Temple Meads and had been there for about three hours because the rail system in this country is a pile of fucking shit.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Did not have enough helicopters to put Humpty together again and anyway it's a waste of time because it is a vicious tribal dispute that will continue long after we have been forced to withdraw.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
By the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really bad for you and that excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children.

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, but it will cost you £1.20 a bag because of the government's latest hike in wool duty and the fact that sterling is now worth less than the Albanian Lek.

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.

One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Fucking Arseholes.


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Poet Laureate Unveils Ode To Chelsea's 4-3-3 Formation

POET Laureate Carol Ann Duffy has penned a poetic tribute to Chelsea's favoured 4-3-3 formation without being asked.

Entitled The Blue Storm, the appalling 16-line composition is a literary exploration of the current Chelsea line-up, littered with the usual catalogue of ill-informed female gibberish.

Duffy's poem opens with the lines "Attackers defend from the front, with midfielders, the ball, delaying, Drogba and Anelka are in there somewhere, And little Joe Cole, if he's playing."

She then references 'Mourinho's mighty men of mud', three years after the Portuguese coach left the club and goes on to suggest Chelsea sign Jimmy Muir to play in goal, a move dismissed by manager Carlo Ancelotti because Muir is a striker, 50 years old and a fictional character portrayed by Sean Bean in the film When Saturday Comes.

Poetry analyst, Julian Cook, said: "The worlds of serious literature and football seldom collide –  the only notable exceptions being Albert Camus and Neil Ruddock's Hell Razor.

"Ms Duffy's poem is the literary equivalent of Titus Bramble trying to untie a reef knot with his feet."

He added: "Perhaps she should stick to more traditional, feminine subjects like unrequited love or the heftiness of one's menstrual flow."

The Blue Storm follows Duffy's recent poem on the new 'essentials' range at Waitrose and a 12 verse limerick on which characters should be axed in Hollyoaks which led to her being hailed by the Times Literary Supplement as a 'polysyllabic version of Take a Break'.

On receiving her official copy of the new poem the Queen thanked Ms Duffy before having her arrested by the Grenadier Guards and deported to Glasgow.