A guide to swearing for secondary school pupils

YOU’RE 11 or older, you’re practically an adult, and it’s time to join your classmates in a smorgasbord of swearing. Try these:

Shit

You may have already been familiar with this one as an exclamation, but it’s time to start using it as an all-purpose description. Maths is shit. PE is shit. School is shit. Home is shit. If there’s something you’re not calling shit, you’re losing.

Piss

Ideal for the novice swearer, because technically it’s up there with the big hitters but no adult can really react because it’s the word they use to describe the everyday act of urination. Experiment with variants, like ‘piss it’ and ‘pisser’, relatively risk-free.

Bollocks

Bollocks is one of the milder profanities, and can be used as both a positive and negative. The former, as in ‘Fishcakes for dinner? Bollocks’ is basic, so to impress deploy the latter as in ‘Chicken burger on the menu today? Aw man, that is the bollocks’.

Wanker

To call someone a wanker is to give yourself a degree of sophistication and worldly knowledge that others will envy. It implies that you are mature to the point that you have contempt for those engaged in a traditional pubescent activity. But call the design and technology teacher it and he’ll do you.

F**k off

The thermonuclear warhead of pre-adolescent obsenity, it should be used sparingly. Those schoolkids who use it every other sentence, usually while drinking a can of Monster outside a shop, dim its power. Ideally a perfectly placed ‘f**k off’ can either get you out of a fight or make one absolutely certain.

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Man going through life blissfully unaware he will be reincarnated as a goat

A YOUNG man currently living a happy life is blissfully unaware that his next life will be as a member of the subspecies Capra aegagrus hircus.

Tom Logan of Bristol has not even thought once about the implications of reincarnation, with sources suggesting he probably does not even believe in it.

But experts have confirmed that, based on the way he has been living his life so far, they are absolutely certain that after his death Logan will be reincarnated into a goat.

A close friend said: “He always goes on about how he’ll vanish into nothingness after he dies. It’s like he has no clue that he’s facing a life of being milked for cheese in the mountains.”

Sources believe that, had he lived a more ethical life as a human, Logan could have guaranteed himself a very desirable spot as a penguin at Edinburgh Zoo.