AA Gill still not being ignored

BRITAIN is still paying attention to a grown man who earns a living writing about restaurants and television.

Respected Cambridge and TV historian Mary Beard became the latest person to not just completely ignore AA Gill and go about their day.

Beard fell into the trap last weekend after actually using up to 12 minutes of the one life she has to read Gill’s opinion about her.

Beard’s response then created a chain reaction of not ignoring AA Gill as thousands of people gave his employers thousands of reasons to keep paying him.

Julian Cook, professor of debates so pathetic you want Britain to just fucking die at Roehampton University, said: “Oh Mary, what are you doing? For Christ’s sake.”

Heaving a sigh so huge it could have brought down a helicopter, he added: “Okay. Let’s go through this one more time.

“AA Gill writes about restaurants and television. Anyone – absolutely any human being alive – can write about restaurants and television because it is just a collection of meaningless opinions about nothing that do not matter in any conceivable way to anyone.

“In order to keep getting paid six figures to do this he has to be what we now – without so much as a flicker of self-awareness – describe as ‘controversial’.

“Mary Beard says she’s really clever. But apparently she’s not as clever as AA Gill.

“And he killed a baboon.”



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Audis still Britain's favourite car to have driving right up your arse

THE Audi has been voted the UK’s top car to have six inches from your rear bumper in the outside lane of the motorway.

Audis beat several other top German automotive brands in the race to be the favourite car to sodomise you even when you are doing 80 and clearly overtaking a minibus.

BMWs, which dominated the arse-bothering charts in the 1990s, came second while the seating position on the third-placed Land Rover Freelander was judged too high to properly appreciate the driver’s panic when required to brake suddenly.

Motoring expert Joseph Turner said: “There’s nothing more reassuring than seeing those four linked circles looming in your rear-view mirror.

“When the car behind wants you to drive faster and tells you that by increasing the chance of both your deaths by 40 per cent, Britain’s motorists want to hear that message from an Audi.”

The Citroën Berlingo came top in the van category, with more than two-thirds of those surveyed enjoying the forthright honesty of drivers who aggressively flash until you change lanes then mouth the word ‘twat’ at you.

Bottom of the table and Britain’s nightmare anal probe driver was, for the third year running, a metallic-green Fiat 500 with tribal transfers driven by an uninsured nutter in a baseball cap.