Abortion Ad Upsets Exactly The Right People

THE first television advert for abortion advice has done exactly what it was supposed to do, the Advertising Standards Authority has confirmed.

The ASA said it had received 1,054 angry complaints about the Marie Stopes advert from precisely the sort of hectoring Christian freaks it was designed to piss off.

In rejecting the complaints, the ASA said it was delighted that its decision would infuriate them even more.

A spokesman said: “It was so much fun reading through their demented letters and emails, picturing their purple faces and furrowed brows and laughing at the way they signed off with ‘God Bless You’ even though they want us to die because some of us are probably gay.

“And now we can’t wait to reject the complaints about the rejection of their complaints.”

He added: “We’ve asked Marie Stopes to do a new ad which shows, in explicit detail, how the girl got pregnant in the first place, with lots of juicy close-ups and ecstatic panting.

“Maybe this could be the thing that finally causes the top of Paul Dacre’s head to pop off like a champagne cork.”

A Marie Stopes spokeswoman said: “Obviously we’re chuffed to bits.

“We thought we’d get maybe five or six hundred, but to know that more than 1000 religious arseholes who base their hatred of women on a fairy story are out there banging their little fists on a table is tremendous value for money.”


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Bristol Palin Is Daughter Of Ex-Fiancee

BRISTOL Palin is the daughter of her ex-fianceé Levi Johnston, it has emerged.

Sarah Palin’s 19 year-old daughter and Johnston split up shortly after the birth of their child last year but reunited in July for an emotional magazine cover.

But the couple have split again after Johnston admitted that not only did he father a child with another teenager, but he also had a daughter with the former Republican vice-presidential candidate.

A source said: “Levi told Bristol that about 19 years ago he had slept with her mother and the sex had made a baby girl.

“Bristol was really shocked and asked what happened to the daughter. Levi just looked at her for a while and the next morning Bristol figured it out while she was ordering her breakfast pizza.”

In a statement released through his lawyers, Johnston confirmed that he was his youngest child’s grandfather.

He said: “Governor Palin and I had a brief relationship when I was about 18 months old. We had both had a lot to drink and she started coming on to me.

“At first I just thought she was interested in my Fisher Price Play Centre so I offered it to her, but she looked at it as if it was a book about quantum physics. Then she reached for my thigh.”

The former governor has insisted that only the ‘liberal elite’ would object to a woman having a child with one of her child’s playmates and said she had long campaigned for Alaska’s ‘marrying age’ to be reduced from six to three.

Under current Alaskan state law men over the age of six can marry their mothers, their wife’s mother, up to four of their own children and their car.

Palin said: “I wanted our child to be legitimate by becoming one of Levi’s wives, but our hearts were destined to follow separate paths.”

Political analyst, Tom Logan, said the controversy could damage a Palin presidential bid, adding: “If she is serious about capturing the Republican nomination in 2012 she will have to avoid anything that makes her look too sophisticated .”