Adults told to stop putting two words together to make a swear word

ADULTS have been urged to stop making up meaningless compound swear words like ‘arsebucket’ and ‘tossgerbil’.

The practice of placing a random word after a swearword to form a whimsical compound like ‘twatkettle’ has spread from middle-class student houses to places inhabited by normal grown ups.

Linguist Dr Helen Archer said: “An adult adding an object after a swearword to make a new word is the semantic equivalent getting one one of those mini scooters, painting some stripes on it and riding it into a canal.”

Experts fear that if Britain’s adults do not sort themselves out proper swearing could die within 30 years.

Pub landlord Martin Bishop said: “Last week someone made a remark about my mother and I called him a ‘cockparrot’.

“I had to go out the back and kick my own head in.”

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EU covers its eyes while UK shits its pants

THE European Union has agreed not to look while the UK spends the next week soiling itself.

Britain will this week vote whether to punch itself in the face, jump off a roof believing it can fly or whether to do all this again in May, while the EU continues to treat us as rational actors capable of making decisions in our own interest.

EU negotiator Michel Barnier said: “You know how sometimes children are so pathetically incapable it makes you almost hate them? Like that.

“We know what you’re going to do. You know what you’re going to do. Fill your pants with shit and then say it’s all somebody else’s fault. We don’t need to watch.

“Over here we’re discussing climate change, trade deficits, currency fluctuations, grown-up stuff.

“And you? It’s ca-ca time. Again.”