Man who held lift door acting like he's Nelson Mandela

A MAN who held the lift door for a colleague is acting like a selfless hero, it has been confirmed.

Stephen Malley stuck his foot out to prevent the doors closing, allowing co-worker Nikki Hollis to get in rather than waiting for the next one.

Hollis described the next 30 seconds as ‘utterly hellish’.

She added: “The moment I got in Stephen got this weird look on his face. Aloof, but also like I should be really grateful to him or something. It really boiled my piss.

“When we got to the bottom he held his hand out to let me out first and sort of closed his eyes a bit. He’s a prick.”

Malley said: “I’m not someone that can watch another human being suffer. When I saw Nikki walking towards the lift I knew that my sacrifice would be worth it.

“Sometimes the world is better when you remember to give.”

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Would a great big handful of magic mushrooms sort out your Monday blues?

MAGIC Mushrooms are a great way of sorting out any kind of blues, but would taking a massive handful of them right now sort everything out?

You’ve got a big meeting at work. What do you think?
A. Keep a straight head, stick to the plan and give it your best.
B. Take a big handful of these, wash them down with some tea or vodka, put the meeting back an hour and then go in there screaming and dancing.

The boss wants to chat about what happened at the meeting. What do you think?
A. Just tell them that you did your best.
B. Take a big handful of these and then paint a portrait of your boss using things found in the office kitchen. Then sit listening to Opal by Syd Barrett in the corner of a room until they come and find you.

It’s only Monday and you’ve been fired. What now?
A. Get right back on the horse and look for a new job.
B. Take another big handful of these and then wander around a local shopping centre looking for imaginary talking cows to employ you.

Mostly As: It didn’t go well but you’ve kept your dignity and you’ll be sure to find new employment soon.

Mostly Bs: Take another big handful of these, buy a tambourine and join a travelling band of minstrels.

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