Afterlife 'bins day is Tuesday'

A MAN who had a near-death experience has returned with a refreshingly detailed account of the afterlife.

38-year-old Tom Booker emerged from a coma to report on previously unknown aspects of the afterlife, such as whether there are cars.

He said: “It also frustrated me that people just mentioned ‘lights’ and ‘a tunnel’ so I’m glad to set the record straight on a few things.

“In the afterlife everyone drives Toyota Corollas. Not sure why.

“The houses are modest three bedroom affairs, all identical, like a council estate or cheaper private housing development. But they’re fine, you get a fridge and washing machine.

“Shopswise I saw a Lidl, also a Benetton and they still have Tie Rack which I thought was interesting.

“One of the main issues is parking because people keep dying.

“I don’t know what else to say really. It was alright.”

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Guardian readers demand ‘The Bridge’ without subtitles

SCANDINAVIAN drama The Bridge is being ruined by the English subtitles, Guardian readers have claimed.

They have told the BBC that being able to understand the programme is undermining their need to appreciate it at the required level.

Martin Bishop, a grade six Guardian reader, said: “When I watch The Bridge – or De Broggen – I want to connect with Scandinavian culture as deeply as possible. I want to feel as if I can reach out and touch their public services.”

He added: “Also, the BBC has just assumed that I don’t speak Danish. I don’t, but they shouldn’t assume that.

“They could at least make an English version with Danish subtitles that I could watch with the sound off.”

Wayne Hayes, a grade nine, said: “How am I supposed to discuss it intelligently if I can understand what it’s about?

“When I watch French films without subtitles I catch the odd word here and there because of my O-Level. But Scandinavian is complete gibberish. It’s wonderful.”

Jane Thompson, a grade four with enhanced Monbiot, added: “I overcome the intrusive subtitles by covering the bottom third of my television in gaffer tape.

“It’s about a husband and wife who are trying to reunite a legendary folk group. And they live near a bridge.”