Imagine he wrestled, Bryan fans told

DISAPPOINTED Daniel Bryan fans have been asked to pretend he turned up at Sunday’s Royal Rumble. 

WWE enabler Vince McMahon said: “The joy of pretending Daniel turned up is that you can picture him doing just about anything, rather than saying his catchphrase and playing at slapping people.

“RIght now I’m picturing him riding a Tibetan mastiff into the ring, doing a dark incantation with the thirty other wrestlers that restores Andre The Giant to life and then them all having a Connect 4 tournament.

“Is this any more fanciful than what would have happened had he showed up?”

Wrestling idiot Wayne Hayes said: “This comes just days after I watched a woman take her own life on camera while the makers of Coronation Street just sat there and did nothing.”

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Mesolithic hunter was first hot man

FEMALE scientists have unearthed a swarthy, blue-eyed Mesolithic hunter they believe was the first hot man.

Professor Mary Fisher, who found the skeleton, said: “In the early stone age there were no good-looking men, they all had protruding foreheads and chimpy walks.

“Then this hunting, gathering stud muffin comes along and totally changes the game.

“With his square jaw and piercing eyes, he combined strength and sensitivity.

“He would venture out in the cold with his spear, bring back a cave bear carcass and cook it himself using delicious foraged herbs and spices.

“Then he would wash up all the stone plates in preparation for attentive lovemaking. And he remembered birthdays by scratching off the days on the cave wall with a piece of flint.”