Air passengers allowed to be as irritating as they like

AIR passengers will be allowed to turn on all devices during take off and landing as long as they turn the volume up as loud as it will go.

Bastard tube

Pressurised bastard tube

A ruling by the US Federal Aviation Administration will pave the way for travellers around the world to annoy you until you pray for catastrophic engine failure.

Passengers must now carry a minimum of five electronic items, including at least one hand-held children’s video game.

If the sound produced by any device is deemed insufficient by flight attendants, passengers will be asked to orally mimic it at an amplified level.

An FAA spokesman said: “We’ve tried to get everyone to be polite and courteous during a flight, but the bastards won’t be told – so we’re instructing everyone to just be a total bastard all the time.

“It’s got so much worse since they started making everyone take their shoes off at security. Many passengers see it as an invitation to go feral.”

Bill McKay, a frequent flyer, said: “I’m concerned about this ruling, as I like to sit next to strangers and tell them my 9/11 conspiracy theories when we’re up in the air.

“How will I be heard over the sound of The Artist booming from someone’s iPad?”

The ruling has been passed despite experts warning that using electronic devices during a flight still makes air travel unsafe. The authorities are hoping for at least 50 passenger deaths by Christmas.