Air passengers allowed to be as irritating as they like

AIR passengers will be allowed to turn on all devices during take off and landing as long as they turn the volume up as loud as it will go.

A ruling by the US Federal Aviation Administration will pave the way for travellers around the world to annoy you until you pray for catastrophic engine failure.

Passengers must now carry a minimum of five electronic items, including at least one hand-held children’s video game.

If the sound produced by any device is deemed insufficient by flight attendants, passengers will be asked to orally mimic it at an amplified level.

An FAA spokesman said: “We’ve tried to get everyone to be polite and courteous during a flight, but the bastards won’t be told – so we’re instructing everyone to just be a total bastard all the time.

“It’s got so much worse since they started making everyone take their shoes off at security. Many passengers see it as an invitation to go feral.”

Bill McKay, a frequent flyer, said: “I’m concerned about this ruling, as I like to sit next to strangers and tell them my 9/11 conspiracy theories when we’re up in the air.

“How will I be heard over the sound of The Artist booming from someone’s iPad?”

The ruling has been passed despite experts warning that using electronic devices during a flight still makes air travel unsafe. The authorities are hoping for at least 50 passenger deaths by Christmas.

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Young Conservatives planning something horrible

YOUNG Conservatives are planning to mark the death of Nelson Mandela with something vile.

As the former South African president lies in a critical condition, youthful right-wingers are devising a series of events that would be unthinkable to any normal person.

Student Nikki Hollis said: “I’m organising a ‘Hang Nelson Mandela’ party where we’ll all black up and wear nooses around our necks. There’s no way that could be misconstrued.

“Then we’ll all sing ‘Ding dong, the terrorist is dead!’ while someone records it on their camera phone, causing us to appear in the Daily Mail and get booted out of our obscure agricultural college.”

Young Tory Julian Cook said: “When Mandela dies I’ll probably buy a load of champagne and drink it ostentatiously outside the South African embassy with my ideologically sound companions.

“We’ll all be wearing ‘Fuck the ANC’ t-shirts, which will be doubly offensive thanks to us being a bunch of white, 20 year-old politics students who want to get rich by any means necessary.

“I’ll probably propose a toast to ‘Nelson Man-dead-la’, unless I can think of something more unpleasant, like ‘Here’s to fatal lung infections!’

“That’s unless someone’s kicked my head in.”