All burgers now impossible to eat

IT IS no longer possible to buy a burger you can fit in your mouth, it has been confirmed.

Restaurants have become obsessed with towering burgers held together with a giant toothpick, a clear sign they are structurally unsound.

Food critic Donna Sheridan said: “Normal burgers, that you can eat without getting slop all down your front like a particularly gormless toddler, are now extinct.

“Even fast food chains, known for their small, flaccid burgers, are cramming in unwieldy fillings like pulled pork and shitloads of coleslaw, just so that they can fall on the floor.

“The only solution is to gingerly nibble the burger like a squirrel, or dissect it with a knife and fork, in which case it’s basically a plate of meat and bread.

“They’ve also started giving the burgers stupid names like ‘the El Rancho Super-Sloppy’. People who think of shit like that ought to be killed.”

Burger fan Roy Hobbs said: “I liked it when you could go to a restaurant and eat a burger with dignity. It’s hard to impress a date when you’re constantly retrieving greasy jalapeno pepper from your groin.”

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Hungover history teacher accidentally starts teaching Game of Thrones

A HUNGOVER history teacher accidentally started teaching scenes from Game of Thrones as real events, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop, who drank two bottles of wine last night, had vaguely planned a lesson about medieval life while watching telly but he accidentally included elements from the hit fancy show.

Bishop said: “It was after Ned Stark got his head cut off that everything really began to change in Britain.

The Lannisters were a very powerful family and no one could really challenge King Joffrey for the throne after that.

“Not even the rest of the Stark clan plus a magic raven with three eyes could do it.”

Bishop then proceeded to describe everything that had happened in Westeros from seasons one to four, although he left out most of the sex.

Pupil Nathan Muir said: “I don’t watch Game of Thrones so it was a bit confusing when he was telling us about these dragons and the dead coming back to life. We usually only get that kind of thing in R.E.”