IT IS no longer possible to buy a burger you can fit in your mouth, it has been confirmed.
Restaurants have become obsessed with towering burgers held together with a giant toothpick, a clear sign they are structurally unsound.
Food critic Donna Sheridan said: “Normal burgers, that you can eat without getting slop all down your front like a particularly gormless toddler, are now extinct.
“Even fast food chains, known for their small, flaccid burgers, are cramming in unwieldy fillings like pulled pork and shitloads of coleslaw, just so that they can fall on the floor.
“The only solution is to gingerly nibble the burger like a squirrel, or dissect it with a knife and fork, in which case it’s basically a plate of meat and bread.
“They’ve also started giving the burgers stupid names like ‘the El Rancho Super-Sloppy’. People who think of shit like that ought to be killed.”
Burger fan Roy Hobbs said: “I liked it when you could go to a restaurant and eat a burger with dignity. It’s hard to impress a date when you’re constantly retrieving greasy jalapeno pepper from your groin.”