All people thrown out of nightclubs were treated unfairly

EVERYONE who has ever been thrown out of a nightclub has confirmed it was not their fault.

The Institute for Studies found that everyone forcibly removed from a late-night venue was not doing anything, and the bouncers were just being pricks.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s clear that the problem lies with club management, who for some reason are looking for an excuse to throw paying customers out on the street.

“Britons don’t want any trouble and weren’t starting anything, it was just a misunderstanding. Even if it looked bad at the time, they should have been given a chance to explain.”

29-year-old Emma Bradford was thrown out of a London bar last year: “I was upset because my fish died last year, so I went in the cubicle with three friends so they could comfort me.

“We all felt very sad which is why we came out sniffing.”

24-year-old Tom Logan was thrown out of Velvet nightclub in Kent after allegedly exposing himself on the dance floor. He said: “My penis was briefly visible, but I only took off my trousers because they were chafing, which is the venue’s fault for having a ‘no jeans’ dress code.

“At least I think they do. If not it was just that Welsh bouncer who hates me for no reason, being a bastard.”

Professor Brubaker agreed: “Tom’s friends and relatives all agree that he’s a ‘good kiddie’ and ‘sound’ so he definitely couldn’t be in the wrong.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Boar, what are they good for? ask officials

BOAR are good for absolutely nothing, according to councillors in the Forest of Dean.

Debating a possible wild boar cull in the forest, local councillor Roy Hobbs said: “Boar, huh, yeah. What are they good for?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

He added that boar were “friend only to the undertaker” and “nothing but a heartbreaker”.

Hobbs continued: “I’ll say it again – boar, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing, good god y’all.

“The point of boar just blows my mind. Boar’s an enemy to all mankind.

“Especially if you accidentally get between them and their offspring.”