All rail announcements contain subliminal sex messages

TRAIN announcements such as ‘we offer a dedicated at seat trolley service’ are coded messages designed to arouse or unsettle passengers.

Researchers found that many had no relevance to train travel whatsoever, while some, including ‘We apologise for the inconvenience, which is due to line equipment failure in the Retford area’, were designed to stimulate concerns about erectile dysfunction.

Commuter Martin Bishop, from Oxford, said he had been alerted to what was going on when his wife told him ‘Customers are reminded that this train does not stop at Didcot Parkway’ during their weekly lovemaking.

He said: “The moment she said it I realised that for years during my daily commute to Reading the announcer had been tormenting me about the failure of my sexual technique.

“As to ‘The non-arrival was caused by a shortage of rolling stock’ well, I hardly need to spell it out, do I?”

Janet Fisher, 32, from Taunton revealed that her twice weekly journey to Bristol had been made torture by the announcements. She said: “Every time they say ‘Unattended items will be removed and may be destroyed by the British Transport Police’ it is a bitter reminder of what the break-up with my ex-boyfriend has done to my self-esteem.

“Have I ensured I have all my baggage with me when alighting at the next station stop? Of course I have. That’s why no man will ever want me again. Oh God, what is the point?”

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Orgreave miners to be prosecuted for holding grudge

MINERS involved in the Battle of Orgreave are to be charged with not letting it go.

As it emerged that South Yorkshire police will not be investigated for assault and perjury because it all happened a long time ago, the Crown Prosecution Service is preparing cases against more than 200 miners for criminal resentment.

A CPS spokesman said: “In more than 30 years since the alleged clash, these men have been given chance after chance to just give it a rest.

“But, despite decades during which police conduct has neither been investigated nor any charges brought, the miners’ insistence that justice must be done has become increasingly annoying.

“As a result we are bringing 531 charges of sustained grudge-bearing and persistent ill-will.”

Police officer Stephen Malley said: “It’s so long ago that I can barely even remember beating miners and then lying about it, but they bring it up every single day. Finally I’ll have closure and my wounds will be able to heal.

“Also, can we prosecute them for being scruffy? Because they were really scruffy.”