All the good shit in storage

ALL of Britain’s best stuff is in storage, according to a new survey.

Items in storage include family photos, designer clothes, comprehensive collections of house records and everything else people have spent their lives working to accumulate.

The items, which usually account for the majority of the owners’ time and money during their 20s, have been moved into an indefinite limbo to make room for Ikea furniture and children.

Wayne Hayes said: “My quest to own every issue of Fantastic Four took me 11 years and spanned three continents. I still burn with the intense thrill of holding #52, the last one I needed and the first appearance of the Black Panther.

“Then I got a girlfriend. The comics went into storage, and my soul went with them.”

Carolyn Ryan agreed: “When I was spending £1,000 a month on limited edition Hello Kitty merchandise, everyone said it was a sign that I was desperately unhappy.

“Now I have twins, my Kitty stuff is in storage, I spend the same amount on perfumed bumwipes, and everyone thinks my life is valuable and fulfilling. But I can’t help thinking they’re wrong.”

Roy Hobbs, proprietor of BFG Storage in Swindon, said: “I store your hopes. I store your dreams. I take that part of yourself you can’t admit has died and keep it safely locked away so you don’t have to witness its decay.

“And all for £17.77 a week.”

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Young people just like cigarettes and alcohol

ALCOHOL and cigarettes are not primarily a coping mechanism, according to young people.

Following reports that stressed teenagers are turning to drink, 18-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I just like drinking. It’s ace. So are fags.

“I’m not having a crisis, in fact I’m fucking loving it.

“I’m probably going to have sex every night this week.”