All woman's anecdotes about how attractive she is

EVERY single one of a 28-year-old woman’s anecdotes centre on ardent men, jealous women or the sadness of only being appreciated for her stunning looks. 

Sophie Rodriguez also has insights to share about the problems of being too wanted, how embarrassing it is receiving free champagne in bars and multiple stories about celebrities trying to pick her up.

She said: “My experiences are relatable. For example there’s the one about men being pests because I can’t go to a bar without being chatted up by a model and three hedge fund managers.

“And who doesn’t have to turn off notifications whenever they post a bikini shot on Insta because they get so many comments it drains their phone battery? Am I right, girls?

“I’ve got ones about how exhausting it is dating every night, about being completely inappropriately hit up by a modelling agency when I’m putting petrol in the car wearing a puffer coat, and a sexist taxi driver who let me off the fare because ‘you so beautiful’.

“Most recently I lost my good friend Tom because his new girlfriend said I was ‘irritating’, ‘self-obsessed’ and ‘deliberately flirting with him because of her’. So that’s an interesting story about women being insecure in their own skins that doesn’t centre on me at all.”

Colleague Julian Cook said: “I love Sophie’s anecdotes. No idea what they’re about, but you can stare at her while she tells them.”

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Everything a snub to Barbie

EVERY award not won, every headline about anything else and every moment spent watching a film that is not Barbie is a calculated snub to Barbie, it has emerged. 

After last night’s BAFTAs sensationally snubbed Barbie by recognising films that are not Barbie, the film’s producer Joe Turner confirmed that it is just a fraction of the snubs unjustly suffered by Barbie at all times.

He said: “For example, I flew here on a plane. Had the fuselage been repainted with the Barbie logo and the whole plane reupholstered in pink? No. Because they don’t respect Barbie. 

“Then I arrive in London, see billboards that are not advertising Barbie, have a conversation with a taxi driver that shamefully fails to even touch on Barbie, arrive at my hotel and guess what isn’t on the television? Barbie. It’s snub after snub after snub.

“Barbie was not only hugely successful, it had artistic integrity. It had diversity. It battled the patriarchy and won. It is everything good in this world, and you’re bored of it? How dare you?

“From now on, everything you watch is Barbie. Every song you hear is from the Barbie soundtrack. And God help you, if you dare jerk off thinking of anyone but Robbie you’ll be chemically castrated.”

Charlotte Phelps of Hounslow said: “You know who actually invented the nuclear bomb? Not Oppenheimer.”