Alpha, Beta, Sigma: Which bullshit male type are you?

THE latest dickish and pathetic fad for men is sorting themselves into categories depending on how manly they think they are. Like these:


Why choose a pleasant bloke who is happy to do the washing up when you can have an egotistical wanker obsessed with cars and martial arts? He’ll be fun to laugh at for five minutes but when you need someone to unblock the toilet he’ll whine about getting the sleeve of his weirdly tight Ted Baker shirt wet.


A beta male is an ordinary kind of chap who, according to people who believe in this kind of self-regarding wank, takes on feminine roles such as cooking a meal, which turns them all coy and girly, like, er, Gordon Ramsay. Women like them because of this, which angers and confuses Alphas and leads them to call betas ‘cucks’, a shit American insult you have to explain to people.


Gamma males are intellectual, kind and romantic, which sounds like a winning combination, but apparently is not, presumably because emotions are bad and for women. They are considered ‘peacemakers’ but are also ambitious and confident, with high levels of testosterone. They may well drop dead from this testerone, which is nonetheless lower than Alphas’. It’s confusing, but consistency probably isn’t an issue if you’re into this sort of braindead pseudoscience. 


The omega male is socially inept and awkward, and probably a bit geeky and into sci-fi. He also lacks hierarchical consciousness, which means he is blissfully unaware of all this f**king nonsense and therefore nice to be around, apart from when he talks about Star Trek: The Next Generation. Also, men like Andrew Tate who base their whole worldview on The Matrix have no business calling other people geeks.


The Delta male is apparently the most prevalent form of man, a competent bloke with an average job and interesting hobbies, and who has no interest in pleasing the Alphas. So pretty much everyone on the planet then, including all the women. Does that mean an Alpha who has sex with a woman is actually shagging a Delta? That’ll creep the macho twats out.


A man who has labelled himself a Sigma male considers himself an independent, nonconformist free-thinker, or ‘lone wolf’, ie. it would save everyone a lot of time and trouble if he just called himself a bellend instead. Also, hanging on every idiotic utterance of pea-headed misogynist and prison-dweller Andrew Tate, or King of the Wankers Jordan Peterson, is hardly the behaviour of a sexy maverick.

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Five good reasons to hate and fear groups of schoolchildren on the bus

GETTING a bus? You’d better hope it’s not already been colonised by a group of schoolkids. Here’s why you should be very afraid.

They’re stronger than they used to be

Margaret Thatcher may have taken away school milk, but these kids are amped up on neon energy drinks filled with illegal stimulants and buzzing on cheap vapes. With their Hulk-like strength, they could easily wrestle you from your prime seat at the back of the bus or call you a paedo with impunity.

They’re wearing intimidating uniforms

It would be wrong to say that their dark uniforms with black blazers put you in mind of a certain branch of the WW2 German military known for war crimes, but that shared ‘Sunnybrook School’ crest probably makes them think and act as one merciless, acne-covered unit.

They have youth on their side

Children famously have more energy than adults who can barely get through a desk job on five cups of black coffee. If they attack you, you won’t stand a chance. You’ll just have to sit there and take it. You’ll probably cry like you did at school, which will make them despise you even more and do worse Chinese burns.

They know new words

Back when you were bullied on the bus as a kid, you at least knew what they were talking about when they called you a ‘massive bender’. Now that 30 years have passed they’ve got all sorts of frightening new slang. They’ll be calling you a ‘wristwatch’ and cackling and you won’t even know why.

They probably do extra-curricular activities

Never mind the torture methods they’re learning about in history, what about outside school? It’s been years since you’ve used your yellow belt in karate, but they all probably do kickboxing now. Oh well. You’ve been meaning to try walking home from work anyway. You can live with the indelible shame of cowardice.