Alpha male 'just a thing some men think they are'

MEN who believe they are alpha males are deluded, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies studied self-styled alpha males and found them to be undistinguished men with larger-than-average watches.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “One thing that’s clear is that anyone who thinks they’re an alpha male isn’t one.

“94% of these people are involved with either the selling or marketing of mobile phones, an industry which is inherently unmanly. They live in new-build flats they can’t really afford and read GQ magazine for tips on how to find favour with their boss.

“The true alpha male is a mythical yeti-like beast – wild, unphotographed and possibly mythical.

“It would be more useful to classify men, and indeed humans overall, as ‘idiot’ or ‘not idiot’.”

31-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I’m an alpha male because I shout at people, for example laundrette staff and anyone else who isn’t allowed to answer back because of their employment terms.

“Also I have a weirdly clean serial killer-type home and a remote control that operates nine different gadgets and can make my favourite Olly Murs track play in any room including the airing cupboard.

“Additionally I have previous convictions for stuff involving rohypnol but that’s all in the past now.”

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Ukrainian riots 'about trainers'

RIOTS in the Ukrainian capital Kiev are about trainers, it has been claimed.

Masked protesters in the violent clashes have apparently turned down offers of Nike Air Max fresh from the box, though some believe they’re just holding out for Air Jordans.

Foreign minister William Hague said: “As everyone knows, riots are caused by selfish, greedy people who want trainers and don’t want to pay for them.

“But the rioters in the Ukraine claim to be motivated some kind of political injustice, which is clearly nonsense. Why don’t they just hire lobbyists?”

Hague responded to claims that Ukrainians wanted closer ties to the EU by looking confused, twitching, and suggesting that perhaps his interlocutor meant to say the exact opposite.

Ukrainian Stanislav Drach said: “We demand the release of former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, free and fair elections and an end to undue influence from Russia. Not trainers.

“Currently while we fight police Doc Martens would be better, for the kicking efficiency of their trademark air-cushioned soles.”

Economics professor Eleanor Shaw said: “Ordinary Ukrainians are fighting in the streets for free-market reforms which would increase employment for the younger generation and encourage private-sector growth via increased consumer spending.

“And what would they spend their money on? Trainers. When you get down to it, it’s always about trainers.”