Amelia, Joshua, Olivia, Max: Do you have the most unimaginative name of your generation?

NAMING a child is difficult. Did your parents save time and effort by giving you an unimaginative moniker? Find out.

Amelia, Olivia, Joshua, Max

Very much a modern scourge. These twee, ‘old fashioned’ names have been rediscovered by morons, meaning the average primary school classroom is made up of 14 Lilys, 15 Olivers and one kid called Gary whose parents didn’t get the memo. If you’re embarrassed to hear your first born’s name read over the tannoy when they get lost in Tesco, don’t call them Sebastian.

Kaylee, Zoee, Jordyn, Kai

Kicking back against the conventions of grammar are parents who went for ‘quirky’ spellings of existing names. Common versions like Hayley simply weren’t good enough for these visionaries. Usually they swapped out some consonants for similar sounding vowels, meaning their offspring will have to spell their name out letter-by-letter for the rest of their life. Nice one.

Jack, Oscar, Rose, Emma

90s clothes might be back in fashion, but the decade’s names should be left in the past. Thankfully most of these retro names are still appropriate for humans, and even then it’s unlikely you’ll ever run into a Bart, Chandler or OJ in the wild. If anything we should feel sorry for the children who got lumbered with Tamagotchi or Cotton Eye Joe.

Stephen, Karen, Sharon, John

These are solid, practical names that you can set your watch to. Very much the Volvos of the naming world. If you have one of these names then it’s because your parents were too busy doing their sensible jobs as hairdressers and plumbers to dick about with fancy titles. Sadly these names are now used by Gen Z as a shorthand to insult boomers. Bad luck.

Daenerys, Zelensky, PlayStation 5

The future isn’t safe from weird names, and as standards continue to slip anything will be considered fair game. Before long nurseries will be home to Squid Game Jr, a rabble of little TikToks, and the odd kid called Fortnite. And if you roll your eyes at these names then the thought police will chase after you on their hover scooters to cancel you.

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A bloke's guide to all those bottles of shit in the bathroom

BEWILDERED by all those bottles your partner keeps in the bathroom? Learn what they are with this guide for men.

Night cream/day cream

Presumably these creams are meant to keep your partner’s skin looking supple and young, although you’ve got grounds for a refund because they aren’t working. And quite why she needs creams for different times of the day is beyond you. You live on a damp, sunless rock on the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, UV rays pose no threat at all.

Body cleanser

A posh name for shower gel. And despite its name, it does nothing whatsoever to cleanse either her body, spirit or soul. Generally packaged with the boast that it contains the essential oils of avocados, guava or another pretentious foodstuff. It’s essentially a fruit salad in a squeezy bottle that set you back 20 quid at Christmas.

Cleansing water

This is apparently different to tap water, which you’ve been washing with for years and it’s done you no harm. Probably has a bit of soap squirted into it to protect the manufacturers from false advertising, but this makes you question why there’s another bar of f**king soap by the sink? Maybe your male brain was never meant to understand.

Eye make-up remover

The flesh around a woman’s eyes is as delicate as damp tissue paper, so it needs an extra sensitive product to remove the gunk she clumsily smears onto it. Cleansing water obviously doesn’t suffice, and you’re a chauvinistic wanker if you think otherwise. Also a tiny bottle of the stuff costs shitloads, which you must never complain about.

Hair hydration foundation spray

Foundation spray keeps a woman’s hair looking moist and silky after taking a shower, even though it’s already f**king soaking wet. It’s typically applied after both shampoo and conditioner, two other products you don’t understand. What’s wrong with washing your hair with the same shower gel you use to scrub your balls? Coincidentally, you’re going bald at 42.

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