NAMING a child is difficult. Did your parents save time and effort by giving you an unimaginative moniker? Find out.
Amelia, Olivia, Joshua, Max
Very much a modern scourge. These twee, ‘old fashioned’ names have been rediscovered by morons, meaning the average primary school classroom is made up of 14 Lilys, 15 Olivers and one kid called Gary whose parents didn’t get the memo. If you’re embarrassed to hear your first born’s name read over the tannoy when they get lost in Tesco, don’t call them Sebastian.
Kaylee, Zoee, Jordyn, Kai
Kicking back against the conventions of grammar are parents who went for ‘quirky’ spellings of existing names. Common versions like Hayley simply weren’t good enough for these visionaries. Usually they swapped out some consonants for similar sounding vowels, meaning their offspring will have to spell their name out letter-by-letter for the rest of their life. Nice one.
Jack, Oscar, Rose, Emma
90s clothes might be back in fashion, but the decade’s names should be left in the past. Thankfully most of these retro names are still appropriate for humans, and even then it’s unlikely you’ll ever run into a Bart, Chandler or OJ in the wild. If anything we should feel sorry for the children who got lumbered with Tamagotchi or Cotton Eye Joe.
Stephen, Karen, Sharon, John
These are solid, practical names that you can set your watch to. Very much the Volvos of the naming world. If you have one of these names then it’s because your parents were too busy doing their sensible jobs as hairdressers and plumbers to dick about with fancy titles. Sadly these names are now used by Gen Z as a shorthand to insult boomers. Bad luck.
Daenerys, Zelensky, PlayStation 5
The future isn’t safe from weird names, and as standards continue to slip anything will be considered fair game. Before long nurseries will be home to Squid Game Jr, a rabble of little TikToks, and the odd kid called Fortnite. And if you roll your eyes at these names then the thought police will chase after you on their hover scooters to cancel you.