SPEAKING up is always a bad idea. These six occasions taught you not to run your mouth the hard way.
Answering that question at school
You were sure you knew the right answer. You even laughed at other classmates who got it wrong. Then you spectacularly crashed and burned in front of everyone by f**king up yourself. Your self-esteem never bounced back and you’ve been a social pariah since. And all because you opened your mouth.
When you asked your boyfriend to move in
You were planning to break up with him, then you found one grey hair and decided to settle. You knew you were making a terrible mistake as the words left your mouth, but by the next day he’d moved in his big telly so it was too late to go back. Now you’re stuck with him until one of you dies. Just use your mouth for breathing in the future.
Volunteering in that office meeting
Of course a deathly silence fell across the meeting room when your boss asked someone to work overtime for no extra pay. That’s until you put yourself forward by saying stupid shit like ‘step up to the plate’ and ‘110 per cent’. Meanwhile your colleagues let out a sigh of relief because they got to go home on time and enjoy their one and only existence on this planet.
Meeting your friend’s baby for the first time
Asking about the baby’s sex was a dumb move in this gender-neutral age. Luckily, new parents are like vegans, skiing enthusiasts and born again Christians: you only have to keep your trap shut for 30 seconds and they’ll happily tell you all the information you need. Plus a shitload you don’t care about.
Insisting on paying the restaurant bill
You wanted to make a good impression on a woman as your first date came to a close. Unfortunately she found a man who stubbornly refused to go Dutch not very gentlemanly. In fact it came across as pretty possessive and misogynistic, which might be why she’s not replying to your texts asking about a second date. Take the hint.
Asking your partner how her day was
It was only a glib nicety, and you didn’t expect her response to last the entire evening. But now you know Donna is a backstabbing cow who takes credit for everything, Simon her boss is f**king bone idle, and the new office junior Nathan is a lecherous creep. A simple ‘not bad, you?’ was all you were after.