Angry Parents Forced To Spend Six Hours Tobogganing

PARENTS reacted angrily yesterday after it was revealed they had been forced to spend all day with their children for no reason.

'Happy, childless bastards'

Thousands of schools remained shut despite improving weather conditions, leaving millions of parents standing in the freezing cold at the top of a slight incline, wishing they were dead.

Tom Logan, a Croydon estate agent, said he was unable to arrange emergency childcare adding: "I even tried the foul-smelling Scotsman outside the off licence who stands there all day shouting 'fuck you' at parked cars.

"Unfortunately he was really busy, so I got the sledge out of the attic and repeatedly dragged my daughter up a small hill.

"From the top I could see the pub where all the single people with no kids were having an unexpected mid-week skinful. They looked so cosy and pissed.

"After about six hours I could take no more, so we went home and spent the rest of the day watching Barney videos. Big fat purple twat."

But Julian Cook, a head teacher from Birmingham, defended the closure of his school, adding: "It's my round, what are you having?

"They do a lovely Rioja, here taste it. You see what I mean? Very quaffable. And, I'm sure you'll agree, much better then being stabbed in the bollock with a compass by some 12 year-old shit."

Meanwhile the London transport system is today expected to return to its normal service of soul-destroying inconsistency.